The spite, hate, rage, apathy and mild irritation thread...

[Iommic Pope]

Or erase us from the universe without trace.

Either or.

[Eivind August]

For me, that's the same thing.

[MEC]

Fuck the sun, long live The Beast.

[Jwar]

I'm so fucking tired of everything. I hate feeling like this. I'm very aggravated lately. A lot of it (or all) can be attributed to my lack of body fat and prepping for a bodybuilding show. That shit is weighing on me in more than one way. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but I feel like I'm excelling at it so well that I can't give up.

But lately I've been depressed, like over the last few months, to the point of having horrible thoughts about harming myself. Which I haven't had since I was a teen. I wouldn't really do anything because I have so much to be around for, but I HATE feeling that. HATE IT.

I've been thinking about drinking A LOT lately and I've been sober for 6 years. It just all of a sudden hit me. These last couple weeks it's been in my mind a ton, which before I never thought about it. I was close one day and luckily stopped myself.

I'm having a very, very hard time focusing and being normal mentally. Gotta be lack of nutrients. UGH. So I'm struggling with my business and actually have had thoughts of closing it down completely because of how stressed I've been. And it's not even because of the business!!! It's other factors. Like having my 3 daughter here all day bugging me, asking me for things, fighting and screaming to the point of not being able to get anything done or done right. I fucked up two pedals in a row because I couldn't focus. I had to buy new one, these are rehouses. So I lost money on these transactions. Sucks so bad. It happens and I'm trying to play the blame game, but I just have been slipping lately because of my mental focus being so fucking plummeted.

So it's a hard thing. Being a bodybuilder is not easy. I debate whether it's worth it or not all the time. I'm trying to get a sponsorship from a fairly large company. If I do, they will pay for all my supplements and give me up to 50k as basically a sign on. My coach has his company sponsored by them, so I have a very good shot at this. Especially if I do well at my upcoming show (in 7 weeks).

OH! And I sat down and figured out my debt. I don't even want to think about it. I'm sure some have more than me, but right now, I have 20k in CC debt. My father is wealthy and he could pay it off for me if he wanted, but I don't want that. You know? I want to be a success for me. We have been struggling more this year than any other and my wife is back at work after 2 years of not working (IE where most of the debt came from).

Sorry if I'm whining. Just venting. I love you guys.

[Disarm D'arcy]

[aens_wife]

I'm so fucking tired of everything. I hate feeling like this. I'm very aggravated lately. A lot of it (or all) can be attributed to my lack of body fat and prepping for a bodybuilding show. That shit is weighing on me in more than one way. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but I feel like I'm excelling at it so well that I can't give up.

But lately I've been depressed, like over the last few months, to the point of having horrible thoughts about harming myself. Which I haven't had since I was a teen. I wouldn't really do anything because I have so much to be around for, but I HATE feeling that. HATE IT.

I've been thinking about drinking A LOT lately and I've been sober for 6 years. It just all of a sudden hit me. These last couple weeks it's been in my mind a ton, which before I never thought about it. I was close one day and luckily stopped myself.

I'm having a very, very hard time focusing and being normal mentally. Gotta be lack of nutrients. UGH. So I'm struggling with my business and actually have had thoughts of closing it down completely because of how stressed I've been. And it's not even because of the business!!! It's other factors. Like having my 3 daughter here all day bugging me, asking me for things, fighting and screaming to the point of not being able to get anything done or done right. I fucked up two pedals in a row because I couldn't focus. I had to buy new one, these are rehouses. So I lost money on these transactions. Sucks so bad. It happens and I'm trying to play the blame game, but I just have been slipping lately because of my mental focus being so fucking plummeted.

So it's a hard thing. Being a bodybuilder is not easy. I debate whether it's worth it or not all the time. I'm trying to get a sponsorship from a fairly large company. If I do, they will pay for all my supplements and give me up to 50k as basically a sign on. My coach has his company sponsored by them, so I have a very good shot at this. Especially if I do well at my upcoming show (in 7 weeks).

OH! And I sat down and figured out my debt. I don't even want to think about it. I'm sure some have more than me, but right now, I have 20k in CC debt. My father is wealthy and he could pay it off for me if he wanted, but I don't want that. You know? I want to be a success for me. We have been struggling more this year than any other and my wife is back at work after 2 years of not working (IE where most of the debt came from).

Sorry if I'm whining. Just venting. I love you guys.

So much love headed your way. I am going to say the next thing very gently...

Why are you continuing to do the bodybuilding thing if it is making you risk everything? Even if you are really good at it, risking it all by possibly drinking and suffering through depression does not seem worth it to me. I feel like fitness should be to make you healthier in mind and body. I don't mean to be judgmental at all, it is just a question that seems particularly important at the moment. A sponsorship would mean that you would have to continue along this path for a long time. What will happen if you can't bounce back from this depression?

As far as debt goes, UGH. I feel sick whenever I think about it. Stay strong. Starting a business is so hard and I have confidence that you will pull through this and be successful.

[Jwar]

That's a good question and it's one I'm constantly debating the value of it or if it's worth it. Honestly I may just do one show and be done. I don't know. I don't feel like this everyday, but I have felt like it a lot lately. It has to be my diet because I haven't changed anything else.

What's weird is that I had to add in more carbs recently to gain back weight because I was dropping too fast. This actually screwed me up more than it helped me. I gained back a few lbs, but I my mind went nuts.

I almost wonder if I have some kind of sensitivity to carbohydrates. OR! If my freaking hormones are jacked up because I've dropped so much weight.

I have to take testosterone replacement therapy and it very well could be that too. My dosage has not been adjusted since my weight drop and it could be too much or too little. That alone can screw up my whole world. It was before I started.

I do have a doctor appointment coming up (next week), so I get to address all these things with the doc. Thank God.

You're right though. Everyone else is too. haha

I'm the kind of guy that doesn't do anything half mast. You know what I mean? Either I'm in or I'm not. So since I got dead set on doing a bodybuilding show, I'm doing that show. No matter what. I've been training for it for a year and a half now. It's crazy. The value of it? I'm not so sure. It's kind of bucket list thing.

Maybe I'll learn a valuable life lesson from all this.

I will stay strong as well and I appreciate you all supporting me even through my hazy headed craziness.

Maybe I need a vacation? Isn't Summer NAMM next week. I have a pass. Maybe I'll hop in the car and go.

[Eivind August]

I do have a doctor appointment coming up (next week), so I get to address all these things with the doc. Thank God.

Glad to read this, as that was the advice I was going to give after reading your first post. And hey, get your ass to summer NAMM, dude. Doing something completely different, and that you obviously enjoy, is one of the best ways to get a new perspective on things. Oh, and best of luck on your body building show, I'm sure you're going to ace it. I wouldn't sign any contracts before after the show though, when you get to experience the payoff and see if you think it's worth it.

But most of all:

[MEC]

I don't have much advice on the bodybuilding stuff other than what's already been said.

As far as the sobriety goes, it's like you said, you can't go at it half mast.
You're probably well aware of the steep and slippery slope that having even one drink WILL put you on.
I quit 6 years ago too and know that for me, it's never just "one drink" or just "this one time".
It never has been and never will be.

If you need someone to talk to send me a PM.
^This goes for any of you doods.

[gunslinger_burrito]

Jwar, I'm not a certified expert, but I'd say that you answered your own questions. All of the diet changes required for bulking and cutting (add the TRT to that) are surely confusing the fuck out of your system. I know your coach has given you a lot of progress, but have you looked into going on a permanent diet that would allow a generally lower bodyfat %? I'm not suggesting super low, competition low, but just lower in general. I'm thinking about the paleo diets and such that are floating around out there. I hate fad diets, and there's not really anything actually "paleo" about that diet, but wouldn't it (according to the literature out there), after you adapted, keep you at a lower BF% as well as aid your hormone issue?

There are also diets like this one: http://hormonal-fitness.com/

just my humble two cents....



I, however, am struggling today. I hadn't smoked weed in a few years, and I picked it up again over the winter. It helped with all the anxiety and stress issues I was dealing with while I couldn't draw or play guitar. So I decided that the benefits outweighed any costs. I ran out a few days ago, and can't bring myself to buy more with this paycheck. So I've been sleeping like shit and feeling generally loopy all day the past couple days. I exercise and eat well, and haven't been drinking nearly at all. I'm not sure what to do. If this keeps up, I'm gong to be a wreck in a hurry, and then once I "recover" (assuming this is a withdrawal thing) I'll be afraid to ever touch the stuff again, even if I know I feel better while using it.

On top of THAT, I generally feel like I don't have enough time for ANYTHING. I feel like in order to get anywhere I want to be, I first need like month to myself with no work and non obligations, so I can actually figure out what it is I REALLY want to do. Right now it feels like I'm dabbling super hard in eight different directions and so nothing is gong anywhere. A regular 40hr/week job with an hour's worth of commuting each day is only exacerbating the problem. Add to that the fact that my hands only draw well, and comfortably maybe 60% of the time I try. It's maybe a bit worse for guitar.... So I feel pretty lost these days. I wish I had ONE big interest, so that I could focus myself on it, and actually get somewhere.

[The_Active_Conundrum]

I, however, am struggling today. I hadn't smoked weed in a few years, and I picked it up again over the winter. It helped with all the anxiety and stress issues I was dealing with while I couldn't draw or play guitar. So I decided that the benefits outweighed any costs. I ran out a few days ago, and can't bring myself to buy more with this paycheck. So I've been sleeping like shit and feeling generally loopy all day the past couple days. I exercise and eat well, and haven't been drinking nearly at all. I'm not sure what to do. If this keeps up, I'm gong to be a wreck in a hurry, and then once I "recover" (assuming this is a withdrawal thing) I'll be afraid to ever touch the stuff again, even if I know I feel better while using it.

.... I wish I had ONE big interest, so that I could focus myself on it, and actually get somewhere.

How much are you smoking? When I use its like....a hit. Barely enough to be therapeutic. But hold it. And stash lasts a long time like that. I haven't noticed any withdrawal on low-dosing like that. Sure I don't get silly or get the giggles, but on days I need it, its there and it does the job.

I'm same as you as far as one big interest.

[gunslinger_burrito]

I was smoking maybe one small bowl each night. But rarely more than once a day (maybe if I was hanging with a buddy or something). It helped me sleep better and focus on drawing and stuff when I needed to

[The_Active_Conundrum]

I was smoking maybe one small bowl each night. But rarely more than once a day (maybe if I was hanging with a buddy or something). It helped me sleep better and focus on drawing and stuff when I needed to

Depending on "small bowl" that'd be about 3 or 4 doses for me. I barely smoke when I smoke. Its just enough to know its there and heighten senses just a teensy bit. Hell, it may be placebo.

[snipelfritz]

I think I has sinus infection. :c

[Jwar]

I don't have much advice on the bodybuilding stuff other than what's already been said.

As far as the sobriety goes, it's like you said, you can't go at it half mast.
You're probably well aware of the steep and slippery slope that having even one drink WILL put you on.
I quit 6 years ago too and know that for me, it's never just "one drink" or just "this one time".
It never has been and never will be.

If you need someone to talk to send me a PM.
^This goes for any of you doods.

Thank you so much man.. This helped so much. Not joking.

Also the rest of you! Thank you so much!!

This is why I love this place! We are complete strangers in most regards, yet we are brought together. I really appreciate the support and good vibes and love.