jwar wrote:I'm so fucking tired of everything. I hate feeling like this. I'm very aggravated lately. A lot of it (or all) can be attributed to my lack of body fat and prepping for a bodybuilding show. That shit is weighing on me in more than one way. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but I feel like I'm excelling at it so well that I can't give up.
But lately I've been depressed, like over the last few months, to the point of having horrible thoughts about harming myself. Which I haven't had since I was a teen. I wouldn't really do anything because I have so much to be around for, but I HATE feeling that. HATE IT.
I've been thinking about drinking A LOT lately and I've been sober for 6 years. It just all of a sudden hit me. These last couple weeks it's been in my mind a ton, which before I never thought about it. I was close one day and luckily stopped myself.
I'm having a very, very hard time focusing and being normal mentally. Gotta be lack of nutrients. UGH. So I'm struggling with my business and actually have had thoughts of closing it down completely because of how stressed I've been.And it's not even because of the business!!! It's other factors. Like having my 3 daughter here all day bugging me, asking me for things, fighting and screaming to the point of not being able to get anything done or done right. I fucked up two pedals in a row because I couldn't focus. I had to buy new one, these are rehouses. So I lost money on these transactions. Sucks so bad.
So it's a hard thing. Being a bodybuilder is not easy. I debate whether it's worth it or not all the time. I'm trying to get a sponsorship from a fairly large company. If I do, they will pay for all my supplements and give me up to 50k as basically a sign on. My coach has his company sponsored by them, so I have a very good shot at this. Especially if I do well at my upcoming show (in 7 weeks).
OH! And I sat down and figured out my debt. I don't even want to think about it. I'm sure some have more than me, but right now, I have 20k in CC debt. My father is wealthy and he could pay it off for me if he wanted, but I don't want that. You know? I want to be a success for me. We have been struggling more this year than any other and my wife is back at work after 2 years of not working (IE where most of the debt came from).
Sorry if I'm whining. Just venting. I love you guys.
Mental Health is just one of those things, man. I have made such a bad and incredibly unhealthy habit of pushing it as far away as much as I can just to try to maintain appearances and to be 'professional' at work which just makes it harder to deal with in the long game. For me, I tend to focus solely on things that I know inside and out - it's most likely just a desire to have control over anything that I am familiar with, when everything else is spiraling outwards. It just sucks.
