Depression rears it's ugly head again

[Snufkino]

Can't we all just pool our resources and buy an abandoned summer camp in the woods somewhere in the US, and start a self-sufficient ILF cult?

[Jwar]

Can't we all just pool our resources and buy an abandoned summer camp in the woods somewhere in the US, and start a self-sufficient ILF cult?

That's the dream.


My wife and I had yet another long talk where she just listens to my insane ramblings and then tries to relax me. It works. She really is a saint and I love her and damn my kids for being buttheads but I love them too.


Thanks for your insight and input guys. The struggle of depression is real and I guess it's probably not going away. So, I need to learn to move on and accept things for what they are.

[dubkitty]

rather than buying land, why not follow the tested-and-proven Manson method: weird music + funny drugs + psychedelic-painted school bus = PROFIT.

[Paul_C]

Can't we all just pool our resources and buy an abandoned summer camp in the woods somewhere in the US, and start a self-sufficient ILF cult?

Even if you ignore the cult bit, doesn't that always end with a maniac* killing everybody ?






*we'd need a lottery to decide who gets to be the maniac.

[dubkitty]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OyRL48ADjQ[/youtube]

[cosmicevan]

I know being mindful is like the new buzzword, but I've found that if I practice being aware of myself, that I actually become more aware of myself. Before exploding at my kids cause the loud ipad is driving me insane, I now pause, catch a breath and then in a nice way inform them that the ipad must be made lower - this is always a better turn of events than me exploding and threatening to take away the ipad or some other pointless punishment that will only add to the problem. I have also found that if I practice doing anything it slowly starts feeling normal. I've been trying to be a better version of myself across the board and although hard to be consistent, every now and then I get into a morning and daily routine of positive things that feel good and at the end of the day helps me feel happy...plus there is definitely something in the universe that sends positivity your way when you put it out.

I've also discovered the power of writing lists to release some of the cognitive load on my mind that makes me freak out when there is the slightest unexpected event in the days plan - like when I walk into work and my boss calls me over to tell me about a drop everything kind of project when I had already planned out a full day of doing other stuff. Getting that clear space in my head by listing out what I need to do as actions, not just key words has really helped me not feel overwhelmed which opens up a lot of space in my head which in turn kinda puts me in the zone so I can be creative and/or productive...and basically surf on top of my life instead of having it swallow me whole every day.

I've been following the GTD (getting things done) methodology for organizing my mind and my life and although it sucks investing the time in it, it has the same results on your mind as investing time in going to the gym does for your body (also something I hate that sucks, but I have been doing and results in me feeling better and in general happy).

Pay attention to what has your attention and then determine what the next action is about that thing, write it down, and immediately you'll get a taste of what I'm talking about. That taste was good enough that I have now been a fairly dedicated GTD'er for the past 6 months or so. It's worth it to practice being open to new ideas and checking things out, you never know what's going to be the thing that sets you on the path to where you want to be going. We all struggle, some are just better at managing it.

[dubkitty]

i was thinking about how to describe/explain depression to normies, and came upon the perfect metaphor. think of your brain as a computer. depression is a malware app that you can't uninstall and gives you frequent pop-up windows full of intrusive negativity and self-hatred, and if you don't click the X and close them right away it eats up memory and bogs down the whole system. antidepressants are a partially effective software patch, but cannot delete the app. the only thing for it is to be constantly vigilant and not let it run wild.

[dubkitty]

and it gets really fucking tiresome having to monitor your mental state 24/7.

[cosmicevan]

I wrote that super positive post 2 days ago and then had a really rough day of being destructive to any relationship and good will Ive built up. I guess today the popups got me.

I did find that qualifying the way I was feeling (once I had recognized I was in a bad head space) helped. I went into a few work meetings at the end of the day explaining I was not in the best headspace and that id try not to take it out on others but as a heads up. It really helped me control myself in those interactions and the folks I dealt w were a bit more sensitive to my state so we were able to be productive-ish. Ultimately I cut out a bit early as I recognized how destructive I was being. Sadly created a bit of a sh.tstorm at home that Im dealing w now.

Everyones thing is different and we lump it into some sort of mass category of "depression" - Ive self diagnosed myself as borderline personality disorder. Ive tried seeking prof help but nothing has clicked so far and I am not looking to even out the way I feel w medication, but I have found that as Ive gotten older, with all the added pressures of life and family that sometimes I cant recognize when Im in a bad space...but when I can keep a handle on it, its all about staying appropriately engaged w my life and being in the now...but agreed, really tiresome and at times not possible for a variety of reasons. A good buddy who is almost sober for a year always says just "do the next right thing" and let go of what you've done.

[dubkitty]

i basically just try to do the things that make others happy, or at least not make them angry or sad. much of the time i can't do more than that, which i've had to learn to accept and try to work through it. i've also had to learn to let go of the past to the extent i'm able. not that all that shite doesn't still hurt or rankle...just that i've learned to block it out.

[Andrew]

Ehhh, i'm becoming increasingly tired of the world's bullshit. Without sounding dramatic, it just feels hard to make peace with it all when people just want to project their own issues onto everything and everyone.

I know it's not even my own depression clouding my mind; i've been doing weights, exercising, no drinking on weekdays and have been eating better. I just wish I booked my holiday sooner; ramen, hiking and hot springs is going to hit the spot.

[Jwar]

Has anyone tried the ketamine treatments for depression? I've been looking at this but they are really costly.

[Jwar]

The reason I am asking is because this last year has been just an enormous motherfucker you know?

Things that have fucked me up-

Evicting someone (that fucking sucked and I hate it. HATE IT. It hurts me and them. Fucking worst man).
Almost losing my mom and dad a month apart.
Being involved in a major flip of a home where we've had to do 90% of the work (a few times this summer, I thought I was going to die from stress).
Not making enough money ever. This sucks and I hate it. Even when I get side work, like I had a run of pedals to do, I end up fucking up because of stress or other factors or I run out of time or time gets away from me. So, usually I seem to run myself ragged so that I'm robbing Peter to pay Paul. So tired of it.
My grandmother died. My last grandparent. I know for some this has been the case for many many years. I was devastated. Especially since I said "I'm going to go visit her more this summer and I go so busy, I just didn't. I watched her die though. I mean, I was there with a lot of my family when she took her last breath. I'm still fucked up from that. Her funeral was last week, so I guess it's ok to still be fucked up over it.

I did have a lot of joy though too and I try to reflect on that.

I have a home. I own the home. It's mine, not many people can say that.
I have and do pay my bills even though I struggle sometimes.
I have a car and it currently runs.
I have 3 beautiful little girls and an equally beautiful and amazing wife.

There's so much more to be grateful for. All of you for instance. I was away for almost a whole summer on here and I still see so many familiar faces.

Shit gets hard. Life is hard. Sometimes I embrace it and other times I fight. Not sure where my brain is going here, but wanted to share.

[$harkToootth]

I don't have a lot to offer here (if anything?) but I don't want to leave a fuzz bro hanging.
1.A. Ketamine Treatment - I don't have clinical depression but I am a HUGE FAN of Hamilton's Pharmacopeia (where my hommies at! Season 3 2020! Woot woot! You can see me putting images in gifs in my posts! Who is ready for the ibogaine episode?!?). Yes, it's costly but I do believe insurance "can" cover it. Ketamine is only schedule III in the USA so, and I know you would not do this, if you got caught with it illegally, it would not be "that" big of a deal (this also depends on your record). From what I read (I was in remedial science classes my whole life by the way ) intramuscular is the way to go for depression
1.B. I was on a couple of Dissociative Discords while on my absence from ILF . I talked to this one person who 'micro-dosed' another dissociative to help with their clinical depression. What was it? YOU GUESSED IT! DXM! That's right! Robotripping! This is 1 person on... the internet... so I can't verify it but friggin cough syrup helped mitigate a lot of symptoms. THAT SAID, if you are already on an SSRI, THIS IS A REALLY BAD (you will get Serotonin syndrome) idea.

I am NOT saying it's the same thing. What I do know is... robocough always has a buy one, get one free deal.

2. Keep up the gratitude journal! I believe it has been proven keeping one helps with mental well-being. Incidentally, I've been meaning to start one, so maybe today is the day! We were assigned to read this book HAPPIER when I was in college. Actually, I had two classes that assigned the book. It won't solve your problems but I do highly recommend it. It's short but it's like a work book. What you put into it is what you will get out of it.

3. Losing a Grandparent - I'm not skipping over your Mom and Dad, I just can't imagine what that's like. Grandparent's though.... I'm with you. I lost my Grandpa in June. He wasn't just a Grandparent though... he was truly one of my best friends. He was in bad shape though (dementia) so I can't say I'm aching everyday but... it sneaks up on you something

I think it's helpful you sharing your experiences. Especially with people who have similar niche interests (I know pedals are getting more popular and are actually more popular than ever but seriously... how many of you have people as into pedals as you are in your daily life?).

Hang in there man. These moments are what make us stronger. You have so much to be joyful of. Your kids are still young so you have their whole lives to be there for them. You and your wife are young too so think of all the life you have left to be a positive influence! (Both sets of my Grandparents were together over 60 years... that's A LOT of life together!)

Love you bro. Sorry I did not proofread.

4. Wim Hof Method - Try it. Won't solve all your problems. May mitigate some? I find it helpful. I'm not pretending I have super powers though.

[doommeow]

Has anyone tried the ketamine treatments for depression? I've been looking at this but they are really costly.

Tried, no. But considering it. And have discussed it in passing with my psychopharm. She’s described it as a jumpstart or reboot, often used as a fix for those really at the end of their rope - suicidal ideation, etc. Insurance can and might cover it, depends on your plan, income, and treatment history.

Have you looked at (deep)TMS? Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Seems like it’s the middle ground between a non-harmful form of ECT (as it really isn’t at all) and witchcraft. But seems to get result for some, especially those that have had bad luck with multiple forms of medication. Also expensive - probably more expensive than ketamine. But doesn’t have the same shock to the system.

More than the money - and that’s a big issue - are the long term concerns. These are more or less cutting edge treatments, that don’t have decades of peer review studies behind them. I don’t want to wake up in 20 years and suddenly find that I’m Magneto. Or that I like raves.