Depression rears it's ugly head again

[cosmicevan]

Be the change you wanna see....or whatever

There is a lot of truth to this and I mean a lot. Lead by example, take the higher road. Etc. it’s hard sometimes and other times is totally ok.

Oh for sure. As they say, usually the thing you teach is the thing you need to learn the most. I struggle with it every day...and yet every now and then I take a step back and realize that its just me being hard on myself. But its hard AF. Putting on a happy face and choosing happiness sometimes in the face of extreme adversity or sometimes even when things are going amazing is impossible on some days. I like to put the blame on growing up in a generation where it was fashionable to be depressed and apathetic (thanks for music 90's but wish things werent so morbid blase and sarcastic...but at least there was no one trying to force me to go to war so I guess I cant complain)...but ultimately its all up to me.

I read an article recently talking about how no matter what hand you were dealt in life where you are today is because of no one but you. Plenty of people overcome outrageous circumstances and others crumble when its all handed to them on a silver platter. Its all about doing the next right thing...and the next right thing...and the next one. Having goals, visualizing possibility...but yeah...maintaining that is hard AF. I cant do it consistent enough...yet. The more you practice being who you want to be the easier it becomes to be that person. I just wish it was easy.

[cosmicevan]

Got to be honest. I'm not feeling being that change right now. I'm so sick of people I think I'm genuinely starting to hate people and I don't like it. Everyone seems to just shit on each other all the fucking time and it wears me the fuck out. You guys are all cool, just people in my world. So, very tired.

just remember, it's not on you to make everyone else change for the better.

Totally. That serenity prayer is where its at.

[dubkitty]

lately my main idea is "i know everything is totally hopeless, but i'm going to go on regardless and do what i can in my own sphere."

[Jwar]

I spent most of the morning crying. I got upset for, I don't even know what reason. Wife told me to have my pity party somewhere else (I was being rude to her). After that I spiraled into a enormous cry session and I can't even remember why I was initially upset. What actually triggered my brain to get upset. I was angry, then I was sad/depressed/thinking of offing myself. That's what gets me. Why does my mind automatically gravitate to the extreme end the second there's something difficult occurring. WHY? I'm so fucking tired of that. The lithium was helping. Was.


Overall though, I am doing much better. These spells that keep happening off and on wear me out, but other than that, things have mostly improved for me mentally.

I had something pretty positive happened to me though recently. I was offered a paraeducator job, which will be myself and one student in 5th grade. I accepted it and am starting next week. I'm pretty scared because I have not been in any job atmosphere in almost decade. I've been self employed on some level or another. Whether it was being a contractor (Personal Training) or running my own business. I just haven't been in the mix. So, I'm nervous. More about being around other adults than anything.

I'm also humbled by the request of me to do this job and grateful. I thought about it and my brain tells me this is what I've been looking for. Here it is. I can try and help someone and maybe make an awesome impact on this little guys life. Kids are awesome and I love being around my own, so I'm excited to work with him. It's going to be challenging but I think the reward will be far greater. No, the money is not good. There are like zero benefits and it's only 3 hours a day. Still, I'm excited.

One thing that is especially exciting to me is that this job, though it's a small one, will help my wife and I pay our personal debt off in 1 years time. I can suffer a year more to pay off the CC crap. That in itself is a mini miracle.

I feel blessed. Even though I get down in the dumps, there always seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel for me.


Today, regardless of any upset that occurred this am, I am going to have a damn good day!

Love you guys. I really mean that. You've all been so encouraging and caring and I just couldn't ask for a better family. That's what you all are to me. Family.

[JonnyAngle]

Maybe you need a little change of scenery. I assume you spend a lot of time in your home since you don't have a "real" job ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[dubkitty]

Why does my mind automatically gravitate to the extreme end the second there's something difficult occurring. WHY? I'm so fucking tired of that. The lithium was helping. Was.

i'm the same way...literally every time a bad memory comes up i'm like "i hate the world and everything in it other than my girls (i.e. my partner, my cat, and her adorable dog who loves me like a member of the family)...i don't want to be here any more." it's a knee-jerk depressive reaction. my last therapist taught me to argue against it in my mind: "no, you don't want to be dead, you just want to not feel so bad."

the thing about medication is that it doesn't work perfectly 100% of the time. the therapist also explained that antidepressants aren't supposed to fix everything; rather, they're supposed to give you enough room to work on it. kind of disappointing, but true. we are stuck with having to dig in and do the hard parts ourselves.

[Jwar]

Awesome post. That all made so much sense and is exactly the way I feel. I just don't want to feel so bad. That is it in a nutshell for sure. I think that's always it or almost always for most people. That was the one line in the movie Joker that absolutely broke me. It was short after that movie that I was so self reflective that I wanted to kill myself. It wasn't because of the movie though, it was the realization of society not really caring about each other as a whole.


It's weird for me. In my head and in my heart, I can only seem to understand a few types of emotions anymore. Number one is love. That to me is the greatest of all emotions and it can be extended to anyone. Literally anyone. Love can be given freely without reason. Two is sadness. I feel both of these emotions on an equal level. They seem to exist on the same plane in my brain. Constantly battling or nurturing each other.

I can feel anger, but it is a short lived thing for me. I have adopted the believe that no one is beyond redemption and I know that is a hard concept for everyone to grasp, but it's what I truly believe. So, for that reason I am often times taken advantage or manipulated. It's a rough thing. Being empathetic to the point of it literally hurting yourself.


Anyway, when I left after the little orientation yesterday, I had the biggest ass grin on my face. I was joking all night, I was joking all morning. Playing around like I used to. I needed this job to happen. This is going to help me in so many ways. I need to be around people again. I'm so lonely all the time and that's always been an issue with me. I always feel alone. Working on that though and happy to be back in some semblance of reality again. Fuck the negative shit. Fuck people who just try to bring your ass down all the time. I've got a purpose again. That's what it's all about for me. When my daughter left for school (full time school) it shredded me. I felt eviscerated or like someone had torn my beating heart right from my chest. It destroyed me. Literally destroyed me. I allowed it to however and I recognize that now. She was ok, I was ok, I was just lonely. I need human interaction. Being self employed as a lone duck sucks ass. It does. Especially when your business is being a "landlord". What shit job. I wouldn't wish this shit on anyone. Working on that too! (selling some properties and decreasing debt).


It's 2020 and I'm less than 3 years from 40, which is a big deal for me. I'm changing my ass. I'm moving now and I'm going to fight like a motherfucker to keep going strong again. So I can be the man I want to be instead of a shell of the man I used to be.

[cosmicevan]

Just realize that you are not alone in these feelings. Even those you look at and think, they really have their act together...I assure you they are struggling in their own ways. It's just the nature of the game.

I, too, go to extremes in my mind...like you just stole my parking spot, I hope you die from cancer or the package I was expecting today didn't show up, what's the point of it all, I should probably just be on my way...meanwhile, I'm surrounded by people who have no idea about my struggles. I mentor some of them, and when I try to verbalize that I struggle too, they laugh it off like "yeah, right...sure you do" - it all takes practice and a lot of times you just aren't into practicing.

Just realize that although you may be better about verbalizing what you are going through, you are not alone. Everyone deals with this stuff, some more than others, and most keep it to themselves. Just keep going...there will be plenty of time for you to sit in a box and rejoin the food chain, but you are not finished here. Just think of all the happiness you had the other day...there are ups and there are downs and there will continue to be ups and downs. Don't miss out on those ups because of the downs...the long term ups (watching your kids realize adulthood, being a grandparent, etc) will always be worth dealing with the downs.

[Jwar]

Sometimes I come back and read this thread.

Often times I'm wondering "why do I still feel like this?". All the good info and support out there and yet, I can tell you that I honestly feel like I'm in the worst spot in my life right now.

If it was feasible, I would check myself into a hospital for the foreseeable future because number 1. I'm losing my mind quite literally 2. I feel paralyzed by everything that's happening in my life and in the world around me.


So many horrible things have happened to me on a person level but also just watching all this fucked up shit continue to happen day in and day out. I want to run away and live in the woods and never come back. I want to start life over and make better decisions. Get help with my mental issues earlier. Taken different directions so I could be the man I want to be.

There's that whole stigma about being a man that weighs me down. Not being a man, but being what I was brought up to believe was a man. Even though in my heart I know I was raised wrong on this stuff, it haunts me.

My wife is not the sole provider in our family, but she is smarter than me and more sophisticated and also just all around better at things, so she makes more money.

Shouldn't matter right? Well, I feel like I'm a bad provider and I negate all the things I do because of that. I've probably said the same things here before and I can't seem to get over some things. The feeling of never amounting to anything. Of feeling worthless or unloved or lonely even when you're in a room full of people.

Men don't cry either, but I do...almost every day. I cried like 3 times today. I feel like I'm weak because of it and I know I've been told the opposite.

It's not that I feel like I ought to be doing things because my wife cannot, she can and does, it's that I feel like I suck. No other way to put it I suppose.

I'm depressed all the time. I talk about suicide and cry a lot. I'm losing my fucking hair now (literally) from stress. I'm full up. I want to drive somewhere and just scream my fucking guts out until my throat can no longer go.

I hate writing this shit down. It makes me feel pathetic.

Before the Coronavirus shit I actually felt like I was starting to get better with my mental health. Then mine and everyone else world was turned upside down. Now I feel almost agoraphobic.

I don't know what else to say. You guys are always really helpful and I'm not trying to scare anyone here, so I'm sorry I always do this.

[$harkToootth]

1. First and most importantly, I think you should call someone before you do something you regret.
2. A lot of what you're describing is the physiological reaction to stress. How to mitigate the mental aspect has tons of variables, but you can mitigate the physiological with breathing and cold water. Take some breaths. This isn't going to solve your problems but it will at least help you not be paralyzed.
3. Ask yourself, "What can I can control now?" after you start to mitigate the physical stress. Start making moves. Start focusing on "what you can control". I'm sorry but this may include not watching the news. It's not helping you.
4. I heard a really nice story about you from a trusted source. You sound like a sweetheart of a friend. Don't beat yourself up about this provider nonsense. Those thoughts are not serving you. Your family and friends only care if you were there for them on an emotional level. You're clearly there for the people you love and that's what's important.

This will pass. But it will take work. You can do it though!

[coldbrightsunlight]

I've got nothing clever to say but

People here love you, your family loves you. You're a good person. It seems like you're able to recognise that the things you're talking about are not rational responses, because you haven't done anything wrong.

It's really hard to deal with depression and you've been doing it for a long time and that must take a toll. Very sorry you're going through this but I hope you can keep going and find ways to get better. Things are horrible at the moment and it's entirely legitimate to feel screwed up by it all (I know I do), but if you look at the positives you were getting better before and you can do it again.

I also echo everything sharky said. Except I didn't hear that story. But I sure believe it.

[Jwar]

1. First and most importantly, I think you should call someone before you do something you regret.
2. A lot of what you're describing is the physiological reaction to stress. How to mitigate the mental aspect has tons of variables, but you can mitigate the physiological with breathing and cold water. Take some breaths. This isn't going to solve your problems but it will at least help you not be paralyzed.
3. Ask yourself, "What can I can control now?" after you start to mitigate the physical stress. Start making moves. Start focusing on "what you can control". I'm sorry but this may include not watching the news. It's not helping you.
4. I heard a really nice story about you from a trusted source. You sound like a sweetheart of a friend. Don't beat yourself up about this provider nonsense. Those thoughts are not serving you. Your family and friends only care if you were there for them on an emotional level. You're clearly there for the people you love and that's what's important.

This will pass. But it will take work. You can do it though!

Hey dude. You are right for sure. It's stress related and I had a huge blow up yesterday. One that was not good, but sometimes that happens with me and I have to do a lot of clean up afterwards. I blew up at my kids because they have been adding to my stress by being disrespectful and I blew up at my wife because, well, there's a lot of issues there as well but we don't see eye to eye on them a lot of times. I feel unwanted and unloved a lot of times and it really hurts and it's not because of them, I know that, but sometimes I feel like it is. I feel like they can't or won't give me love. Maybe it's because I've been chronically depressed for so long and I don't know what love is anymore. You're right however in any regard. I need to talk to someone. My wife suggested doing it online and to be honest, I don't know if I can. I may need that human interaction. At this point in my life, I would rather die by some fucking virus than continue on the way I am.

I can control nothing for sure. I can kind of control myself, but even that sometimes I feel like I"m a passenger. I don't know if that's because I'm biploar or if I have a dissociative disorder that has been undiagnosed? I'm leaning towards that because really, there is more than one Adam. The more I've read about it, the more I'm convinced that it's from trauma. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2009 or 2010 due to childhood related trauma. When I think about it, the treatment was talking and using my Alpha Stim (it's a medical device I've used for a long time now). Maybe I'm having PTSD reoccurrence or maybe I never really dealt with the shit or maybe it's from my family creating more trauma on a regular basis. My dad drives me insane. Like up the wall, want to jump out a window insane. He won't stop either. I've talk about this in the past and I know what I need to do but it's hard. I need to establish hard lined boundaries that I can control. Like, blocking phone numbers or only allowing myself to answer when I want versus the all day rotation of calls I get from my brother and dad. They always want to talk about something stressful too. Real estate, coronavirus, politics....etc. Never a "hey Adam, how are you doing today?" Just the stuff that apparently they cannot stop thinking about.

I made a decision last night that I'm taking steps to get out of real estate fully. It has caused me so much grief and pain it's unbearable. Honestly I hate people too most days. I want to love them, but I hate them because all they do is hurt me.


I could go on forever talking on here. I did make a doctors appointment yesterday and will be in to see someone Thursday of next week (soonest I could). I took all of my guns and disassembled them and now I'm thinking of selling them all as well. It's better than putting one in my mouth. I can't keep doing that to my family. My kids have no idea about that kind of stuff but my wife does. I've never done something where she has witnessed it but it hurts the same. She's scared and that's not fair. I'm adding to her pain and everyone else's because I feel bad. I don't want to take the ship down with me you know? I want to be a refuge for my kids and my wife. A strength for them. I have a lot of work to do apparently. Like a lot.

We are also planning a vacation. Coronavirus or not, I can't live like this. I would rather die than continue to be stuffed into my house forever. I have masks, I'll wear those and stay away as much as I can.


See what I just did there though? I word vomited. I didn't mean to, I just did. I poured everything (almost out) and it's weird because most people would never do that. Me, I guess I just don't give a fuck if someone thinks I'm weak because of it even though I think I'm weak because of it. Makes no sense.


Social media a fucking CANCER. The news, the opinions from everyone, the Facebook doctors, the fake ass people acting like they care about shit they never did before...it's just disgusting to me. So, you are so right there. 100% fuck social media. I am going to once again delete Facebook and Instagram. I've done it before and took a year away from it and I felt better. I should have never got back on. It only feeds me negatively be it from OCD with buying, looking at mindless garbage or reading everyone's opinionated bullshit. Fuck social media. It's the most anti social thing that exist in this society. Fuck the news, fuck Trump, fuck Biden, fuck all of them. The world can keep moving forward without me watching. I lived like that before and man it was peaceful. I remember people would ask me "have you heard this" and I would say "no". It always seemed to frustrate people when I don't know what's going on in the world. I don't want to know anymore. I can't take it. The world is a mess and it will always be, so I can't let myself be consumed by it everyday.


Good to hear you heard a nice story about me! That's a curious thing... hmmmm. Well, I'm glad it was a good one! That's nice to hear.



@coldbrightsunlight You are correct as well. I need to reflect on the positives in my life and I used to do that. I need to make a list of what I'm grateful for. That always used to help me and I'm not sure why I stopped.

[coldbrightsunlight]

Glad you're seeing someone, that's really important and just making the effort is a great show that you're looking in the right direction.

Just wanted to chime in, I've continued seeing my therapist online via video chat and while it's kinda weird it's been better than not talking to anyone. I can see that it might be different to continue seeing someone you've met in person and finding someone new though..

So good luck, anyway

[D.o.S.]

As long as you stay on ILF buddy

[Jwar]

I feel better today. I cried basically all day yesterday and I don't really know why, but I feel better. I cried so hard, so many times that I could barely move, but I feel better. I think I need the pain release so I can move on. Today is a new day and I am happy. I'm not perfect there but I'm happier than I've been before, which is great for me.