Depression rears it's ugly head again

[actual]

Sorta, but nevermind. The original post could easily be misunderstood.

[actual]

Just to make it clear; J and I resolved whatever this was over pm.

[Jwar]

So, just in case anyone is interested.

I've been doing much better. I've been clean from Kratom a little over a month, but I've found myself taking a few hydrocodones here and there, which is super dumb. One day at a fucking time for sure. Man. I did not realize I had such a problem now.

I think I'll be ok though. I'm seeing a psychologist now and he's really helping me already despite my few minor fuck ups. I have to allow myself some grace and roll with the punches. I can't be better overnight but I can't make excuses for myself either.

Yesterday, I decided to clean my diet up completely as I've been eating kind of like shit for the last year or so. I dropped 7 lbs of water in one day. Crazy how that works. Now it's time to hit the gym more often again and get myself better.

I'm still struggling with my mother in law being here. It drives me crazy.

She's here all goddamn day and sitting on the couch doing nothing. She spends her money like crazy and is making no attempts to better her situation. Her phones goes off literally all day. Texts, calls, emails...etc. Drives me insane. Absolute batshit crazy. I actually talked with my wife and my psychologist about it and I told my wife I was thinking about moving out. It's a sad day when I feel like that. I don't want to but I feel like I'm trapped. Her family is doing nothing to help this either. They all just talk about it behind closed doors but never say shit to her. What do you do when someone is a leach on your existence? Why am I so hard on her too? Is it really that big of a deal?? These are questions I have to ask myself constantly.

Right now, she's sitting across from me and I'm sure she'd be crushed if she knew I felt the way I do. I don't know what to do. I've got to figure a way to get my house back here and I feel like I'm going crazy.

I've thought about going out of town on my own but I have pressing matters in town. Just wanted a break. I actually might have to evict a tenant soon. That sucks ass.





So, as of right now. I'm doing better. I'm happy-ish. Not super happy but not super sad. I'm getting through each day. It's just some days are harder than others.

[$harkToootth]

Glad to hear (read) brother! Keep up the positive momentum!
Don't have anything to offer on the MIL situation. When you figure out how to deal with family members effectively can you post here? I know I could use some pointers and I think there are other people that post here that may find 'your findings' useful as well.

Regardless, keep up the good work Sir!

[Pepe]

Hang in there! Nice to hear that you're making progress!

[echorec]

Her phones goes off literally all day. Texts, calls, emails...etc. Drives me insane. Absolute batshit crazy. I actually talked with my wife and my psychologist about it and I told my wife I was thinking about moving out. It's a sad day when I feel like that. I don't want to but I feel like I'm trapped.

Misophonia: the struggle is real. It's quite possible that you have a hard-wired trigger, which can't be undone, if she's annoying you that badly. The sound of dogs barking, finger nails being clipped, loud chewing, construction equipment, leaf blowers, excessively loud talking, and other forms of noise pollution absolutely fucking enrage me. I've thought about starting a GoFund Me, so that I could get a cabin for a couple of months. Being surrounded by unpleasant sounds has cost me an immeasurable amount of money and personal comfort, because I just can't create or function around many people.

[friendship]

Her phones goes off literally all day. Texts, calls, emails...etc. Drives me insane. Absolute batshit crazy. I actually talked with my wife and my psychologist about it and I told my wife I was thinking about moving out. It's a sad day when I feel like that. I don't want to but I feel like I'm trapped.

Misophonia: the struggle is real. It's quite possible that you have a hard-wired trigger, which can't be undone, if she's annoying you that badly. The sound of dogs barking, finger nails being clipped, loud chewing, construction equipment, leaf blowers, excessively loud talking, and other forms of noise pollution absolutely fucking enrage me. I've thought about starting a GoFund Me, so that I could get a cabin for a couple of months. Being surrounded by unpleasant sounds has cost me an immeasurable amount of money and personal comfort, because I just can't create or function around many people.

I used vacation days this summer to spend a week in a tiny mountain town just to get away from the noise of the city and having to interact with people. I didn't see or talk to anyone and it was completely silent aside from the breeze and some birds and shit. My coworkers think I'm Jack Torrence now but it is one of the best uses of money I've made in a long time. A+ would recommend

[codetocontra]

Her phones goes off literally all day. Texts, calls, emails...etc. Drives me insane. Absolute batshit crazy. I actually talked with my wife and my psychologist about it and I told my wife I was thinking about moving out. It's a sad day when I feel like that. I don't want to but I feel like I'm trapped.

Misophonia: the struggle is real. It's quite possible that you have a hard-wired trigger, which can't be undone, if she's annoying you that badly. The sound of dogs barking, finger nails being clipped, loud chewing, construction equipment, leaf blowers, excessively loud talking, and other forms of noise pollution absolutely fucking enrage me. I've thought about starting a GoFund Me, so that I could get a cabin for a couple of months. Being surrounded by unpleasant sounds has cost me an immeasurable amount of money and personal comfort, because I just can't create or function around many people.

I used vacation days this summer to spend a week in a tiny mountain town just to get away from the noise of the city and having to interact with people. I didn't see or talk to anyone and it was completely silent aside from the breeze and some birds and shit. My coworkers think I'm Jack Torrence now but it is one of the best uses of money I've made in a long time. A+ would recommend

If I ever did that I may not come back.

[Jwar]

I really have thought of doing that. Going to Clearwater or somewhere peaceful. The time of year is terrible for it, but whatever. I would have to ask for someone to answer my bs calls in case my tenants need shit but other than that, I think I could go off the grid.

I agree it'd be hard to come back from but it'd also be refreshing.

[dubkitty]

i'm going to be close to that over Christmas/New Year's. because both fall on three-day weekends this year, i can get a ten-day stretch by burning four day's worth of PTO. i want to get my apartment sorted before then so i can spend my time walking, sleeping, and getting my guitar playing back together after being out since October when i broke my arm. i'm really tired out...this is going to be the first vacation i've had since i came to Charlottesville at the start of 2014.

[friendship]

Her phones goes off literally all day. Texts, calls, emails...etc. Drives me insane. Absolute batshit crazy. I actually talked with my wife and my psychologist about it and I told my wife I was thinking about moving out. It's a sad day when I feel like that. I don't want to but I feel like I'm trapped.

Misophonia: the struggle is real. It's quite possible that you have a hard-wired trigger, which can't be undone, if she's annoying you that badly. The sound of dogs barking, finger nails being clipped, loud chewing, construction equipment, leaf blowers, excessively loud talking, and other forms of noise pollution absolutely fucking enrage me. I've thought about starting a GoFund Me, so that I could get a cabin for a couple of months. Being surrounded by unpleasant sounds has cost me an immeasurable amount of money and personal comfort, because I just can't create or function around many people.

I used vacation days this summer to spend a week in a tiny mountain town just to get away from the noise of the city and having to interact with people. I didn't see or talk to anyone and it was completely silent aside from the breeze and some birds and shit. My coworkers think I'm Jack Torrence now but it is one of the best uses of money I've made in a long time. A+ would recommend

If I ever did that I may not come back.

I really, really did not want to leave.

[Jwar]

Wow. Hard to think that it's been almost two years since I made this thread and yet, here I am again. In a rut. In continual rut which I'm not quite sure I ever fully came out of from the original post here.

Here's the skinny. I've gotten to the point where I don't want to do anything. I barely sleep, eat, exercise, romance or do anything normal anymore. I'm sad all the fucking time. My kids drive me ape shit. I hate what I do for a living because, well, be a landlord for a day and tell me how you feel. My back is up against a wall financially with my business and I can't see the path anymore. I'm just burned the fuck out.

Vacation last year was an extremely mild relief to this.

Being a landlord has absolutely demolished me as a person and honestly, it's kind of made me hate people and I have no patience for bullshit anymore. People have zero respect for you and they let you know it by destroying your shit that you spend astronomical amounts on. BUT I'm a parasite because I'm a landlord. Right? I must make bank because I own properties, so fuck me. If ONLY they really understood how shit works. How I don't make any money. How I made 18k net last year because of being shafted by so many shitty people.

My kids, oh man. Fucking want to just ground them forever somedays. I'm sure all parents feel like this but my middle daughter pushes that shit to the fucking max. She can't help it either. That's the worst part. She is so clearly afflicted by the same issues as myself and I don't know what to do. I'm at home constantly trying to do something but never pushing forward.

I just feel distraught and I don't know what to do. I can't talk to my wife because she is not emotionally available 90% of the time I need her. My family fucking sucks, my psychologist was more concerned with selling me fucking Juice Plus than my actual mental well being so I stopped going, my friends...what friends? I have two maybe.

So, just done.


Don't you ever just want to say fuck everything and just leave forever? I sure as shit do.

[JonnyAngle]

I can share the sentiments.

Remember as kids when parents were fucking idiots, and your landlord was andick?

Times change.

Pretty soon you’ll be the old creepy dude at the back of the concert!

[PeteeBee]

I can definitely share the sentiment. It’s awful. I’m sure that many things are better than they seem (like I’m sure your kids know you love them and will do anything for them even as they drive you crazy, and they see how hard you work).

Maybe get back into bodybuilding? I’ve been pretty shocked how much calisthenics and cycling has helped my perpetually depressed ass.

[DrMabuse]

As that creepy old guy standing at the back of the show, I’m thinking Orwell’s chickens have come home to roost. There was a time when faking your own death was a practical early retirement option. Or at least thinking about it was a quick dopamine boosting alternative to buying a lotto ticket. It’s gotten to where a man can’t even put a passed out wino in his car, run it off a cliff, and make an honest fresh start in Mexico anymore. I just don’t know what this world is coming to.

Hey! You kids up in the front! Get the hell out of my mosh pit!

I wish there was a “one weird trick” solution. If you can completely turn off your moral center, selling a one weird trick solution to depression might bring in enough cash to buy your way out of the pit of despair. Or not... I’ve achieved career goals in the last year that are way beyond what I should reasonably expect as a college dropout weirdo, but It hasn’t brought any new lasting joy into my life. Exercise is great on paper, but the kind of physical activity that I enjoy is hiking and biking. Neither is wise to do solo in my neck of the woods, and I don’t really have any friends woh are into either.

So I don’t have any sage advice to offer up, other than you’re not the only one in the boat of despair. If you can’t find something that brings you joy (or at least respite from the demons), try to carve out an hour of your day for it. Even if it’s modular. (My iPad is my modular rig, mock me!)