ilovefuzz.com

Dear motherfuckers,
I am back after a hiatus in which I came close to killing myself on several occasions. fuck everything. fuck your face, it's a shitty face. I also developed a addiction to benzos. fuck yeah. fuck you. I have, by my count, destroyed three new friendships with a lot of potential just this last week. fuck them. fuck me. I am currently living in a neighborhood full of prostitutes and meth-heads. Last week some of them decided to throw rocks at the windshields of cars parked on the street. I don't like it here. I like my bed. Fuck other stuff that I am now too apathetic to type about.

I love fuzz. I love all y'all fuzzy faces. I love single malt scotch. what did I miss. yo.

weed_killer wrote:Summer is lame and I want to just skip it.

being in Virginia, i share in this emotion all too much. it's already getting uncomfortably warm. God, how i miss the Bay Area. I WANT MY FUCKING LIFE BACK. the one where i lived in California and had a good paying job and money and friends and a lover and a decent car to drive. but they're all gone now, except for the friends. and they're 3000 miles away.

Found out today--after three years of living here--we have a Home Owners Association. And they're passive aggressive, selectively effective assholes.

Fuck. Leave me alone and go after my two neighbors with their piles of car parts and garbage on their land. Or better yet, fuck off entirely and let us pretend we actually own the land we own. Libertarians, I sometimes get it. Sometimes.

The president of our HOA showed to my at my house at 7 pm one night to tell me I can't run a business out my home. I told him the state of Kansas says I can and to get the fuck off my property. That was six-seven months ago. Lol. Have not seen the asshole since.

Fuck HOA's

i m really not coping well and was planning on self admitting to a mental ward tomorrow morning but i called and they have no beds and wont for a couple of weeks
i dont really know what to do anymore

tomlane95 wrote:i m really not coping well and was planning on self admitting to a mental ward tomorrow morning but i called and they have no beds and wont for a couple of weeks
i dont really know what to do anymore

Hang in there dude!
Maybe try and get some outpatient help or talk to a school counselor who may be able to refer you elsewhere?

You know I've never even considered admitting myself to a mental hospital. I always just figured I would tough it out until I couldn't anymore and consider that a good excuse to off myself but I guess that just makes me a selfish prick.

I'd offer some advice but I'm afraid it would be the blind leading the blind in this case. I know it's cliche but hang in there, things do get better. It's just sometimes your timeline and your brains timeline for "better" don't quite match up.

I'm sick for the first time in at least a year.
Of course it had to happen during my one week off from work.
Fucking shit.

I just need to keep repeating:

"This job is really not that bad. This job is really not that bad. This job is really not that bad."

i really needed to get admitted last fall when i was in Pocatello and was all messed up, but had no insurance and couldn't afford it. sometimes i think of checking myself in, but i'm not that bad now most of the time. my craziness is sublimated by my work and the minimal stuff i do to keep things together (and when i say "minimal," i mean that the floor in the kitchen where the cat box is located hasn't been washed since i moved in in February, and that the blankets on the bed haven't been washed since i was in Chicago last summer). i'm still miserable, but it's not so acute as to keep me from functioning though yesterday i was typing with tears in my eyes for half the day.

I don't like myself. People keep telling me I need to find myself, that I don't know who I really am. Therapists say it. My wife says it. What they don't know is that the reason I don't embrace my 'true' self is because deep down, I'm an asshole. The polite, kind, gentle face I have is a cover to protect myself. Deep down, I'm a selfish, nihilistic, cruel asshole. I prefer the mask, so I try to maintain a false pretense. Being myself would be a disaster and I'd end up dead in a hotel room inside 3 months if I was to give in to it.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2 ... nerds.html

Not the article itself, but the topic. Realizing the trend of terrible people and terrible problems.

kbithecrowing wrote:http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/05/27/your-princess-is-in-another-castle-misogyny-entitlement-and-nerds.html

Not the article itself, but the topic.

I shared that on Facebook yesterday. Lovely article.

medication changed again. felt off-kilter all day long. i really don't like not knowing what my brain chemistry will do at any minute but it's not possible to switch without the seams showing. it might give me the crucial combination of energy and indifference needed to get my physical reality better sorted out. the kitchen is going to go Code Red if i don't deal with it soon. apparently mental health = washing dishes

also once the Kalamazoo amp had its tubes settled it started blowing fuses. my board sits out in the living room idle. i haven't played all week because i'm just not into it. i'm having a self-doubt thing again, not wanting to play for fear of being bad.