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This isn’t a cure for depression but interesting nonetheless

That's a really good one Jack. Thanks for sharing it.

Yeah I like that. Thanks

It's been a week since I last checked in, so I'm checking in again. Is everyone okay? It's okay if you're not. Just checking in.

It's nice of you to check in to see what condition everyone's condition is in Kenny.

But seriously hope everyone's doing well

yeah! yeah! oh, yeah!!!

Life has been a bit of a mystery to me lately and I am again at a loss. My depression pains have not left, they have subsided quite a bit. I still have these underlying emotions that need to be dealt with but every time I'm ready, something bombards me.

My family and all who love him, lost a dear man over the winter break. Jim was my lawyer but he was my friend too. He was 87 at the time of his passing but it was so hard to see him go. My father lost his own father 15 years ago today. Jim was kind of a stand in for my dad to be quite frank. His father passed and he needed someone, Jim was there. Not a replacement by any means, just someone to confide in like you may a father figure.

So, that happens. Then my brother decides to fly off the handle and threaten to kill himself again. What set him off? Well, all I know is he was having trouble renting a place. That's it. He battles with autism (aspbergers not sure if I spelled that right), so he will fixate on something and it can destroy him if he doesn't stop. He calls my dad and blames him for everything in his life. Claims it's all his fault that he's fucked up and wants to die, that he sat there and cried watching me get beat on a regular basis (that really did happen and my sister would also watch. I'm 10 years my brother senior, so he was pretty young. They would cry and cry and that was the worst part for me). Anyway, he tells me all this and we kind of work through some stuff. I try to rationalize with him by telling him that dad and I have been through all of this before. I'm sorry that hurt you, but know that I love my father and have a dynamic relationship with him now. We are ok. I told him maybe he needs to work on that for himself because you cannot expect closure all the time in life. It's just not going to happen.

He then called my father again and leveled him and my mother. Now, I'm angry. I tell him that if you hurt my father or put him in the hospital through stress, I will viciously defend him if need be. My brother starts in on me, and I reciprocate because I'm upset. I tells me to go fuck myself (mind you I never ever said anything mean to him the whole time). Then he texts me and says this "next time you're feeling low and need a shoulder to cry on, don't call me. If you put the gun in your mouth again, pull the trigger". I was, for lack of better terms, blown away. I cannot believe my brother said this to me. I am beside myself with despair as my family unravels.

I love my family, I can't help it. Even my piece of shit brother who told me to kill myself. I love that dumb fucker. I can't do this shit forever though. I can't tolerate this hurt. I want to help my parents but good God almighty my dad enables him to be a weak person.


I just need to vent briefly. Today blows.

Jwar wrote:Life has been a bit of a mystery to me lately and I am again at a loss. My depression pains have not left, they have subsided quite a bit. I still have these underlying emotions that need to be dealt with but every time I'm ready, something bombards me.

My family and all who love him, lost a dear man over the winter break. Jim was my lawyer but he was my friend too. He was 87 at the time of his passing but it was so hard to see him go. My father lost his own father 15 years ago today. Jim was kind of a stand in for my dad to be quite frank. His father passed and he needed someone, Jim was there. Not a replacement by any means, just someone to confide in like you may a father figure.

So, that happens. Then my brother decides to fly off the handle and threaten to kill himself again. What set him off? Well, all I know is he was having trouble renting a place. That's it. He battles with autism (aspbergers not sure if I spelled that right), so he will fixate on something and it can destroy him if he doesn't stop. He calls my dad and blames him for everything in his life. Claims it's all his fault that he's fucked up and wants to die, that he sat there and cried watching me get beat on a regular basis (that really did happen and my sister would also watch. I'm 10 years my brother senior, so he was pretty young. They would cry and cry and that was the worst part for me). Anyway, he tells me all this and we kind of work through some stuff. I try to rationalize with him by telling him that dad and I have been through all of this before. I'm sorry that hurt you, but know that I love my father and have a dynamic relationship with him now. We are ok. I told him maybe he needs to work on that for himself because you cannot expect closure all the time in life. It's just not going to happen.

He then called my father again and leveled him and my mother. Now, I'm angry. I tell him that if you hurt my father or put him in the hospital through stress, I will viciously defend him if need be. My brother starts in on me, and I reciprocate because I'm upset. I tells me to go fuck myself (mind you I never ever said anything mean to him the whole time). Then he texts me and says this "next time you're feeling low and need a shoulder to cry on, don't call me. If you put the gun in your mouth again, pull the trigger". I was, for lack of better terms, blown away. I cannot believe my brother said this to me. I am beside myself with despair as my family unravels.

I love my family, I can't help it. Even my piece of shit brother who told me to kill myself. I love that dumb fucker. I can't do this shit forever though. I can't tolerate this hurt. I want to help my parents but good God almighty my dad enables him to be a weak person.


I just need to vent briefly. Today blows.

Sounds like your brother's switch got flipped. I'd be willing to bet he didn't mean it and he was frustrated. I know when I'm frustrated I dig my heels in for ANYTHING.

Jwar wrote:Life has been a bit of a mystery to me lately and I am again at a loss. My depression pains have not left, they have subsided quite a bit. I still have these underlying emotions that need to be dealt with but every time I'm ready, something bombards me.

My family and all who love him, lost a dear man over the winter break. Jim was my lawyer but he was my friend too. He was 87 at the time of his passing but it was so hard to see him go. My father lost his own father 15 years ago today. Jim was kind of a stand in for my dad to be quite frank. His father passed and he needed someone, Jim was there. Not a replacement by any means, just someone to confide in like you may a father figure.

So, that happens. Then my brother decides to fly off the handle and threaten to kill himself again. What set him off? Well, all I know is he was having trouble renting a place. That's it. He battles with autism (aspbergers not sure if I spelled that right), so he will fixate on something and it can destroy him if he doesn't stop. He calls my dad and blames him for everything in his life. Claims it's all his fault that he's fucked up and wants to die, that he sat there and cried watching me get beat on a regular basis (that really did happen and my sister would also watch. I'm 10 years my brother senior, so he was pretty young. They would cry and cry and that was the worst part for me). Anyway, he tells me all this and we kind of work through some stuff. I try to rationalize with him by telling him that dad and I have been through all of this before. I'm sorry that hurt you, but know that I love my father and have a dynamic relationship with him now. We are ok. I told him maybe he needs to work on that for himself because you cannot expect closure all the time in life. It's just not going to happen.

He then called my father again and leveled him and my mother. Now, I'm angry. I tell him that if you hurt my father or put him in the hospital through stress, I will viciously defend him if need be. My brother starts in on me, and I reciprocate because I'm upset. I tells me to go fuck myself (mind you I never ever said anything mean to him the whole time). Then he texts me and says this "next time you're feeling low and need a shoulder to cry on, don't call me. If you put the gun in your mouth again, pull the trigger". I was, for lack of better terms, blown away. I cannot believe my brother said this to me. I am beside myself with despair as my family unravels.

I love my family, I can't help it. Even my piece of shit brother who told me to kill myself. I love that dumb fucker. I can't do this shit forever though. I can't tolerate this hurt. I want to help my parents but good God almighty my dad enables him to be a weak person.


I just need to vent briefly. Today blows.

1) You need to sift through this and reject every negative thought. Condition yourself to reject them while they occur, too. Try to remove the emotion and look for underlying facts that you can act constructively on.
2) Don't put other people in charge of your moods. Ultimately, you are responsible for yourself, including your moods.
3) Set a positive example for your family, including those being difficult. As Gandhi might have put it, be the change you want to see in your family.

All 3 of those things can be hard to do, especially when you are first starting, but that should give you an indication of how worthwhile they are. The more you train yourself with these techniques, the more deeply ingrained they become, until they become part of who you are.

I cut my family off when i was 17, and only dealt with them when my parents died. i didn't miss them except when my mother finally cleaned up her drinking problem. let them go...you'll be better off.

Be the change you wanna see....or whatever

cosmicevan wrote:Be the change you wanna see....or whatever

There is a lot of truth to this and I mean a lot. Lead by example, take the higher road. Etc. it’s hard sometimes and other times is totally ok.

Got to be honest. I'm not feeling being that change right now. I'm so sick of people I think I'm genuinely starting to hate people and I don't like it. Everyone seems to just shit on each other all the fucking time and it wears me the fuck out. You guys are all cool, just people in my world. So, very tired.

Jwar wrote:Got to be honest. I'm not feeling being that change right now. I'm so sick of people I think I'm genuinely starting to hate people and I don't like it. Everyone seems to just shit on each other all the fucking time and it wears me the fuck out. You guys are all cool, just people in my world. So, very tired.

Reject those thoughts, jwar. Consciously reject each and every negative thought that comes to mind. If you don't reprogram yourself, your life will never change - you will just keep wallowing in the same never-ending cycle of misery, depression, and despair.

Once you have stabilized your own moods, you will see a ripple affect in the people in your life. Until then, don't worry about being the change in them too much. These things take time, and you have to help yourself before you can help others.

I generally despise most humans, though there are some that i like. as i've said before, i go to the mountains because i like and trust birds and bears more than humans. humans frighten me.