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Still in a deep creative lull. None of the new music ideas I learned or gear I acquired over the last year seems to have done anything to help.

Lulls are normal, but I don't have any other outlets that work like music does (or used to). I just cannot bring myself to give a shit about playing the guitar/keys/synths/drums or mixing/arranging/songwriting/recording. I'm not having an emotional/mental/intellectual response to playing anymore, and that really scares me. Without it I don't really know how to be in the world.

Sorry for everyone's bummer situations. I'm dealing with some bs myself but not like the usual bs.

I'm sick and have been sick for over a month. It's exhausting. I got sick, took antibiotics, got better, got sick immediately after getting off of them, then back on with steroids. I did some work on this house I purchased and I think that I just overdid it. I ended up with a sinus infection, flu and upper respiratory infection. So, life has been a delicate balance of weakness and sweating to death randomly. I'm so sick of it but I think I've finally turned a corner. Fuck. I can't take this shit much longer.

So sorry Jwar. I have been sick for 2 weeks now and I am so fucking sick of it. Yesterday was really bad, but today is much better. Here's hoping we are both on the mend!

Hang in there guys, the last cold I had really pounded on me hard for like 3 weeks. It eventually goes away

Last night, I was unwinding after a tough shift and a garbage week. I sat in a dark room, listening to a podcast through headphones. Fucking junkie roommate comes home, stumbling drunk or high, can't work the front door, bangs his head, sits down next to me, and won't shut up. Signals me to take off my headphones. Slurs and stammering and drunk bullshit follows. Rants about how I have to move out and is disappointed when I cut him off and say that I know and have plans. He cries and moans that he will die alone and life is meaningless. I lay out a couple of techniques that I use to combat that. He waves it off. He says that I ruined the house and took his place and he's jealous. I reiterate that I'm leaving. He eventually loses interest and stumbles off.

I cannot leave soon enough, I just can't afford to. I barely slept because he interrupted my relaxation ritual and I ended up wired. I try to be understanding of people with substance abuse problems, but a narcissistic asshole with no respect for boundaries or intention of getting better is just another psychic vampire draining my depleted mental energy.

I'm working 7 days a week and still always broke.
My house is small and cramped and my upstairs neighbors are always shitfaced drunk stomping around and listening to loud music. They also never take out the trash so over the past few months, I've noticed roaches crawling down from the ceiling. I thought I had taken care of them until last week when upstairs guy apparently found a huge nest under his fridge and "went nuclear on them" so they all fled downstairs. So now they're worse than ever in my house.

Plus I have an old cat that never finishes his food, so those little fuckers swarm it in like 5 minutes.

Also I'm always exhausted, I'm getting fat (like, I have some pretty legit man tits), I don't get to see my son as much as I'd like even though we live together.

Oh and he's either got severe ADHD or he's on the spectrum, we're not sure yet. But things have been tough lately and I'm getting tired of parent teacher conferences and having to scold him constantly.

Oh and I'm lonely.

Finally got mad at my job for once.

There is another business opening up across the street that my manager was concerned about possibly running us out of business, so he was having a meeting with the city council about it. We were asked to show up in company shirts (we dont normally have a dress code) and HEAVILY guilted if we said no. This was dropped on us the day before with no notice other than an email since a few days prior that said nothing about us being there. A lot of the old timers said no to going cause apparently this has happened before and when people showed up, they were'nt even allowed in the building to show support.

I ended up not going cause my mom got in a car wreck (shes fine, car is totaled). But I wasn't planning on going anyway. Not because it was a waste of time, but because its just disrespectful to me and the other people who work here who have put YEARS into working at this job and love it here.

Its annoying, it pissed me off. But its over now. So whatever. Just wanted to get that off my chest.

Wow sorry for you folks with shitty roommates, neighbors and bosses. Been there. You'll move on to better things soon enough!

I just came to bitch about today moving too slowly.

Called round the local vets the other day to see if my missing cat had been in an accident and had been dropped off there. She had, as she was hit by a car and killed outright apparently. If that's not shitty enough, they want to charge me a cremation fee (like, the basic mass cremation with the other animals). They can fuck off, and fuck off if I'm going to feel guilty for considering not paying, like money somehow equates to caring or not. I especially like how they touted the more expensive options first, and in less than a minute after telling me my cat had been killed.

Now I really don't want to get pissed of at the individual dealing with it, but I also hate spineless lackeys who never question their employers shitty policies. If you made a Venn diagram of "capitalism" and "mortality", the cross-over section would just be a picture of me being pissed off and confounded.

that really sucks. i'm sorry about your kitty.

i went out to get in the car to go to work this morning and it was gone. the local fly-by-night city subcontractor towed it, and since i'm running my spending delicately along the edge at the moment i had to borrow $120 from a coworker to bail her out of car jail. for the next 2 or 3 months i'll be walking a tightrope while setting up for the Great Big September Road Trip, and i didn't need this to hit the day after i splashed out ~$100 on tickets to see Acid Mothers Temple, Spiritualized, and Damo Suzuki. but at least i have months to shuffle funds around, and the tickets are sorted. i have a feeling that i'm going to get really tired of living on >$100/mo. after the necessities and other bills are covered before the prep months are over. hell, i'm already tired of it now. i do not like telling myself "no" six or ten times every day. "no, you cannot have a hamburger." "no, you cannot have a candy bar." "no, you cannot buy a $6 used CD."

It has been an up and down weekend. Friday night, I fell into a deep depression. Having to move for the 6th time in 6 months, start my job hunt all over again, start from scratch again... I felt defeated. I got a text out of the blue from my friend in New York and it snapped me out of it, a little. I got to get out of the house all day Saturday and play Magic with my best friend, maybe for the last time. Today, I am cooking Mac and Cheese and BBQ chicken and a cherry pie. I'm broke, tired, and still unsure where I'm going and how to get there. I'll be homeless in less than a month, so I have to figure it out.

Today is my first wife's birthday. I spent all day working up the courage to email her a birthday message. I'd allow myself to be exsanguinated and disassembled for organ harvesting if I could undo the pain I caused. I know that I can't and such thoughts have no value.

in relationships it's hard for me to think of places where i DIDN'T fuck up and DON'T desperately wish for a do-over where i wouldn't cause such unhappiness. that's one reason i'm not even looking any more...i feel like i've done more than enough damage already.

aaaaaaaaaand i'm out of weed and was already feeling kind of manic. the next 2 weeks should be interesting.

I have a pair of BLK TRI Frost Giants (which I bought second-hand, and separately) that I've been planning to install in my SG for a while, but I've not done much work on guitars, and I've been using the SG pretty regularly, so I've been putting it off. Well, my band broke up a few weeks ago, and while some of us are planning a new band already, I figured I'd take the opportunity to give the installation a go. It went great... up until I tried to screw the neck pickup to the pickguard, only to discover that the previous owner of that pickup had drilled out the mounting holes for a bigger size screw.

I tried and failed to find the right size screw, and ultimately called a local guitar shop to see if they might have anything. They said they probably did and I should bring it in. When I got there they said I'd have to leave the guitar, which was annoying, but I did it. Fearing this was going to turn into a repair job when all I wanted was a pair of screws, I asked what they thought it would cost and they said "cheap, probably $3 or less". Two weeks went by with no word, before I finally got a message from the owner saying "fixed your guitar, it's $55". Ugh.

I've explained to them that I didn't ask for, or want, work done. I just wanted a pair of fucking screws, and the guy keeps saying "those screws don't exist, so I found you a solution". Nevermind that that solution was never cleared with me or that it voided the warranty on my pickup. I've gotten them to back down on charging me (and the gentleman from BLK TRI is going to take care of me pretty generously considering two people have now attempted warranty-voiding surgery on this pickup), but they're not really taking responsibility for the bad call, and they're trying to make me feel like an asshole for not paying for work I never asked them to do. Bleh. There's just no reason for me to end up on bad terms with this shop; all they had to do was own their mistake.