Depression rears it's ugly head again

[Jwar]

Hey guys! So over the last six or more months, I've been battling with an enormous amount of depression. A lot of it has to do with a bad business deal I got myself into last year, which is the reason I closed Acid Splash Designs. I now am faced with potentially losing a lot of money. Money I cannot just make up for and it could take years even if a resolution is met for me to recoup said money.

Money isn't everything though. I'm also faced with being tired every single day, feeling like I have a lack of purpose and watching my 30's fly by without me.

Over the last couple years, I allowed myself to becoming involved in somethings I'm extremely ashamed of. Things that stand against who I am as a persona and everything I believe in. Even in my best condition physically, I was far from being healthy. I am now trying desperately to recover from that. I feel as if I've shot my adrenal glands and it may be something I have to deal with the rest of my life. The constant lethargy. The sadness. The sense of not being accomplished as a human being.

I recognize my short coming before I recognize my strengths. It's always been my downfall and as a man who is bipolar, it's hard for me to stop these thoughts.

So what I need is a change, I don't really know how to go about it or what to even do.

Here's my current situation. I'm being very transparent here.

I'm basically a stay at home dad because we have a little one that needs to be taken care of and my wife has skills that are much more marketable than mine. It goes against my ingrained "I want to take care of my family" thing but at the same time, I'm super proud of my wife and her many accomplishments and in a lot of ways I'm also jealous.

I own my home outright, and it's a nice home, I don't deserve it. However, I know have an equity loan on it for the shit I had to pay into the company and to pay off CC debt when my wife couldn't work for 2 years.

I make income off of 3 properties I own. Monthly checks roll in and sometimes I have to fix things.

So I do have more debt though and I have the whole issue of wanting to buy unnecessary things with money I don't have. This is also a flaw of bipolar disorder. My psychiatrist once told me that a lot of bipolar people put their families into bankruptcy because they receive a mental release from the act of buying. It's not even about the item. I know that sounds like an excuse, but I didn't know this until after years of bad spending and asking why I couldn't control myself. It's common for a lot of people, even more common when you have severe ocd and bipolar disorder.

I'm trying to come up with a plan for making money and just being happy.

My plan is either to

A) get a part time job and do Acid Splash Designs on side
B) get more equity and buy more properties

I'm stuck though. I'm not happy. Not even close and I don't know what to do. I'm so fucking tired of being unhappy. I'm tired of being tired.

I feel like the life has been sucked out of me completely and I'm a shell of my former self.



What would you guys do? Can anyone offer any advice? Or moral support.

I'm sorry if I'm a debbie downer. I don't mean to be.

Love you all.

[D.o.S.]

On the moral support grounds, my girlfriend loved your secret satan card.

[DRodriguez]

Dude, I'm not the best at the advice stuff, but I've gone through some depression. What really brought me out of it was finding something I loved to do and stuck with that despite what I've given up for it. Acid etching seems to be something you enjoy, so stick to that in some way (even if it's in a smaller capacity.)

Feel free to call me whenever you need an ear (I think you have my number?)

Hanging with you and Jack was one of my favorite moments of last year.

We love you dude!

[aedes]

Sorry to hear that jwar. My wife has suffered from OCD, depression, and anxiety off and on as long as I've known her.
This may sound like quackery, but after just some help from various meds, her anxiety is just about gone--she went to a neural training person who uses NeurOptimal. It's done wonders for her.
She still has some depression (still on prozac), but overall is much better.

If you're taking votes, I agree with drod--go with the thing you enjoy. I don't know the whole process of etching, but if it's something that keeps you mindful--you know, just focused on that task--it can be a relief (at least that's helped my wife)

I own my home outright, and it's a nice home, I don't deserve it.

I don't know you personally, but you're probably the only one who feels that way.

[spacelordmother]

Sorry to hear that shit has been so rough, mang. Probably stating the obvious here, but it seems like getting your bipolar is really the foundation you need. Otherwise, all the good decisions and right-tracks you lay down could be undone or undermined by an out of control mood swing.

You're a pretty nice guy for an asshole. ILF LUV.

[popvulture]

I feel ya, man—I deal with depression frequently. Being unhappy with things and knowing you want to change them, yet feeling unmotivated and helpless as to how to get the ball rolling again... I really sympathize.

I know that the things that help me are exercise (maybe something less taxing than what you're used to, like swimming could be good?), meditation, and generally forcing myself to be active. When I was a big drinker in the past (and have revisited recently, but am back on the wagon once again), I was such a social person... cutting that out of my life made me much more of an introvert than I'd ever been before. I found that that person's still in there, just have to take a leap and put myself in situations that require me to be more engaged with people. Every time I do it, I'm happier. So yep, just getting out more and interacting is a tremendous help. I know it's hard, though, really. Hope ya feel better, man

[vallaton]

lots of love, dude. i've been severely depressed for eight years now. had to drop out of school on the verge of graduating, and can't really get a steady job. most of the stuff i used to love aren't enjoyable anymore. can't do art, can't read, lost a lot of things that were important. i've tried a shitload of different meds, electric shock treatments, tms-treatments, different kinds of therapies, eating healthy and exercising. i don't do drugs or even drink. nothing has helped, but gotta keep keeping on and hope for the best. what i'm trying to say here is that don't feel bad if stuff that should help you, doesn't. it's not a failure on your part.

and try to hold on to stuff that you love even if it's harder and not as rewarding.

[friendship]

I've been living with chronic depression for about 20 years. I wish I had some advice to give you beyond what the conventions you're most likely already familiar with (seek regular counseling and possibly medication). My experience is that these forms of treatment are palliative at best, but that's not true for everybody, and I'll take palliative over nothing I guess, since there's no cure for it.

I don't think you're making an excuse when you describe buying things as a kind of mental booster, I've heard a lot about neurological phenomenon, especially related to gambling addictions. It's good that you recognize it as a potential financial hazard for your family, and if ILF is encouraging that desire it might be good to take a break, or at least participate in discussions that aren't all about Getting the New Thing. It'll be especially helpful to replace the shopping impulse with a new one that carries less risk.

[Eivind August]

Dude, I don't have much in the way of advice, but you're a good dude and you deserve a happy life. Do the best you can, that's all anyone can ask of you. Love.

[gnomethrone]

Its hard to type something that doesn't look cheesy in this little box but the best advice I have is to live in the present and be thinking about what's next. I'll sometimes get stuck mentally replaying my own greatest hits reel of mistakes and failure and missed opportunnities etc. Its a guaranteed way to not do anything positive.

As for your question, why not both? If working makes you feel like you're making more of a contribution then do it. If there's sound real estate investments you could make, do it.

Why not open a gym? I just gave a gym a bunch of money to join, went once and now I'm thinking about cancelling. Seems like a goldmine. You could etch all the equipment and play metal and it would be badass.

[goroth]

I know fuck all about fuck all, but if it helps you might see if you can come to a point where you can appreciate how rad you are at stuff. You kick ass at bodybuilding, you play sweet bass and make great demos, you etch like a motherfucker, have a cool family...
this is not one of those "you've got everything so why aren't you happy" comments, but more "I understand shit feels like shit, but maybe it'll feel less so with someone else confirming your asskickery". I know it's easy to write off accomplishments and talents when you're feeling down. But from my little vantage point I see a really talented dude.

[coldbrightsunlight]

I'm not sure I can offer you any useful advice but I would like to say that I'm here for you and so are a lot of people. Your family and friends love you and will continue to do so because you're a good person even if you can't always see that in yourself.

I guess my advice would be: pick one of those options and see how it goes. If it doesn't fulfill you, or doesn't work, that's COMPLETELY OK and not a problem. Try the other option. Maybe try a third option. There's no magic fix but in my (limited and not necessarily applicable!) experience of me and friends with problems of this nature, doing things is good. Make a change.

Moral support is always here.

[Jwar]

You guys are all so awesome. Much love here and I really fucking appreciate it.

I need to read all this and really take it in. Thank you all so much.

[Chankgeez]

TL;DR

Go w/ plan "A"

[sylnau]

jwar

I know what it is not to feel happy.

We love you!