Depression rears it's ugly head again

[UglyCasanova]

I have a very good friend who has had great success using ketamine to treat his seasonal depression (Norway gets extremely cold and dark in winter). I've only tried it recreationally when I was younger. I do get seasonal depression, but not to the point of considering doing any drugs to treat it. It's just a part of the year for me now. Used to it. I just wait it out.

[oldangelmidnight]

Thanks for the updates Jwar. That seems like a fuckload of stressbombs and I'm glad you're able to see some of the good. Focus on that and we'll be here for you.

[$harkToootth]

I have a couple of friends that have had success mitigating their seasonal depression via microdosing (some used LSD another used Psilocybin). I neglected to mention, and as two people said, I believe the ketamine treatment is meant as a last resort. That said, to that said, my m8s in the UK must be really depressed cause they love hanging with horses.
EDIT: I'm not meaning to throw a bunch of substance out there. Just ideas. Addendum: I did not pass High School Chemistry

[Jwar]

Hey everyone! See this is why I love this place. You all are so freaking awesome. Even when I get down, this place brings me back up.

So, as far as the ketamine is concerned. Typically speaking it is used mostly for people who are suicidal. Thing is, that has been me in the past year. I'm not there right now, but I don't want to be again either. I fucking hate that feeling of hopelessness. Ketamine has been used for a long, long time, just not in humans and not in the United States. It crosses the blood brain barrier in a different fashion than your typical medications. I'm weary of it but interested as well.

The magnet thing has been around for 30 years or more. I looked into it way back around 2002 when I first started Lexapro. They had been doing it in the UK for about 20 years is what I was told. I believe this is a variation on that, but I'm not sure how. I almost got on a plane to get this done. No joke. I was at my wits end and needed help desperately for my bipolar disorder. Luckily Lexapro has offered me relief for a lot of the anxiety and depression, however it has stopped being as effective.

I turned to pot last year after fighting myself on it for years. The reason being is I'm an alcoholic and it's been ingrained in me that cannabis is bad. I know believe that to be ridiculous and a fallacy to perpetuate the war on drugs and reefer madness. Most of the folks I'd see in the AA halls were chugging 80 gallons of coffee and smoking 10 packs of cigarettes a day. Ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but it was a huge point that has never and will never make sense to me. To me it's medicine. Just like all my other medicines. Sure you can abuse it, but you can abuse just about anything. Ask an alcoholic or drug addict.

What pot does for me is

1. calm me
2. make me less of an asshole
3. help with my already fucked up appetite (I lost 30 lbs over the summer and I wasn't trying)
4. bridge the gap between doses of my other meds or work in conjunction with them

hell I'm using it to taper off of benzos right now. Fuck Benzos. Those are way fucking worse for you.

The downside is it is still illegal where I live. Thanks for being so progressive KS. Also, it costs a lot of money, which is ridiculous too. So, literally the only thing that helped me not go complete fucking nuts this summer was smoking. There were times I was collapsing from stress. Fuck all that shit.


I want to go back to a therapist or psychologist as well. I'm working towards trusting them again. I've had some issues in the past year that made me weary.

Anyway, I over share and I love you all for putting up with me.

[cosmicevan]

I am a massive pothead, have been for..20+ yrs. About 2 yrs ago I felt that my lungs were starting to suffer from it so I switched over to edibles. Been doing that just about daily (often a few times a day) for 2 yrs. I find if you buy large doses and break them up it is a lot more affordable. It helps keep me balanced and on good spirits. Not advocating drugs, but to me I prefer it to pills. Things are changing on the legality at a rapid clip so I feel okay about it. Definitely the lesser of 2 evils than alcohol...but as they say lesser than 2 evils is still evil.

[Jwar]

I don't think it's evil at all. I used to but that was before there were choices. For instance, I can have a sativa and it actually makes me more productive and calm while I'm being productive. Klonopin on the other hand just depresses my body in general like alcohol would. I hate it. So, to me cannabis is more of a medicine than a drug (there is a difference). If I were on the other side of the state line, I would have a card for medical. They would give it to me based on my bipolar disorder more than anything. It helps with that too.

At times, I hate that it can inhibit motor functions but it's a balance. If you do too much, you're done for awhile. If you do the right amount, you're golden and it's helping you like it ought to.

What I'd like to see is more innovation with it. I'd love to have something like an edible and have it legitimately dosed correct. Even the legal states are bad at this. I had one from Cali and it was WAAAAYYY too strong. It had to be way overdosed. Which happens because there are no regulations. We need it regulated. I never thought I'd say that. Hah. It's true though.

They can make so many good things too. I got some pain cream and I cannot even begin to tell you how much it helps. It's weird. You do not get high or anything like that but it destroys the pain. The plant amazes me. I almost think mankind was made to have it as a part of their lives. We have a system in our bodies for it and everything. The science is getting crazy.

Anyway, I'm rambling. LOL!

[Circuithead]

Since it's been legal in Canada I've switched to exclusively vaping my trees, so I got a Boundless CFX and have been off bongs and such since last year. Basically smoke in all forms.

Do I miss dropping a few ice cubes in my bong water and ripping that shit? Yeah I do, but then after I'm done vaping a batch I see the brown fiber in the little oven and I think "damn, this used to be my side dish."

The high is nice and smooth, and anxiety stays put as before. I'm glad I switched, the panic attacks have not come back and I sleep like a baby.

I also don't think it's evil, my GF has had a rough couple months lately and has been diagnosed with severe depression, work related. She's been prescribed pills that she takes on and off because she doesn't like the numbness of it. Weed is the opposite for her, she gets incredibly anxious while I feel like I finally managed to land an out of control plane.

[Faldoe]

Can't recommend meditation enough.

I would look into the Waking Up app or looking into vipassana. Some health care providers offer classes groups. I'd also ask your mental health care professional: Psychologist or Psychiatrist if they think meditation is a good alternative or rather good addition to mental health management as some suggest meditation may not be good for people with certain types of mental illnesses


https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/vbae ... ibly-wrong

[Snufkino]

I don't think I'll live that long, but I'll try.

[coldbrightsunlight]

Also want to do that earlier vid what is up with your target date

[Jwar]

Disclaimer-what I'm about to write is extremely sensitive information and extremely personal. TLDR at the end.

Where to start.

A few weeks ago I had a friend take all the firearms I own out of my phone for an indefinite amount of time. I have been feeling extremely down everyday for close to 3 years. I have had a few manic shifts, but not many. Each day of my life, I think about leaving this earth. This has been a problem in my life since I was probably 8 years old, maybe younger. I cannot remember the first time I thought "I wish I would just die". I remember being in elementary school (4th grade to be exact) and thinking about killing myself. There was a very specific thing that compounded that issue however.

When I was 16 or 17 I tried to hang myself in my parents garage. I used a chain and a support beam. After I kicked the chair, the chain broke and I feel to the ground feeling like an utter failure. That I couldn't even kill myself right. I turned to drugs and continuously tried to overdose hoping that would end it all. I had alcohol poisoning and did overdose several times but to no avail. Again, a failure.

Fast forward to my 20's. I was young, in love, getting married early, great job...etc. None of that mattered, I still wanted to die. There were numerous occasions I put loaded guns to my head, in my mouth, towards my chest cavity...etc. One night in particular I remember, I put a loaded 3 06 in my mouth at about 2 am outside of a small farm home we were living in. I did not have any reason in my head to not do that. I had a wife and two children at the time as well. That night, I had my finger on that trigger and tried so hard to do it. I cried and I screamed, but I could not squeeze. Another failure.

Now to my 30's. The beginning of my 30's I actually felt happy for the first time I think in my entire life. True happiness I mean. I had hope, I had drive, I was dedicated and ready to take on the world. I did 2 bodybuilding shows, did a great job, felt so damn proud of myself for once. Then it all ended in the bat of an eye. My dream of making anything out of where shattered. I herniated 3 cervical discs, injured my trapezius and tendons, injured multiple tendons and cause irreversible damage to the nerves at the base of my skull on the right side. I can feel the pressure still as I'm sitting here typing. I don't know if you've ever had a tendon damaged, especially a larger one, but it hurts bad. Was I ever going to be a pro and make money? I don't know. I'll never know. It pretty much ended my profession in fitness as well. After 8 months of agony, they gave me an epidural shot and sent me on my way. Nothing helped except that stupid shot anyway. I started back at the gym and I kept getting injured. I can't tell you how many injuries I sustained in my 30's but it's a lot. So ends my drive. Fear sets in and consumes me.

I honestly have not felt like I wanted it to end that much in my 30's until after that event.

Here's the thing. I have tried to do so many fucking things in my life. Tried to figure out a way to live, a way to support my family financially and I've always failed. Always. That wears on a person, it breaks your spirit. My wife would tell me I'm not a failure, but I don't believe her. Thankfully for my families sake she provides a good income, but I also come up short. I don't feel like I have any value to offer anyone anymore.

I'm getting side tracked and it will upset me, so I need to finish. A little less than two weeks ago a stuck a shotgun to my throat just under my chin. Buying that shotgun was a great home defense move right? Yea...right. I did not have it loaded this time. Why? Well, I wanted to see if I could go through the motions first because if I can't squeeze the trigger, what's the fucking point of even trying. I couldn't at first because I was scared. I threw the gun on my bed and cried as hard as I've ever cried. After crying for 5 minutes or so, I got up angry went over went through the same motions, except this time I racked, squeezed, racked, squeeze and repeated this about 10 times before again throwing the gun aside.

Two days prior to this event I had written a suicide note. In all the times I had thought about killing myself I had never done that. I'm a father, a husband, a friend, so I have to say something. I kept it pretty short but I wanted to see how I emotionally processed doing this. If I could do it. I cried and cried and cried. I told my wife, she cried and I did again as well. I did not show her the letter, I got rid of it so that no one had it. Obviously that did not work however if you read above.

After relinquishing my guns to my friend, I took out the easy route. If I was going to die, it would have to be fast. Who wants to feel pain and suffer when they've already suffered in their head for 37 years? Certainly not me. So, it stopped me trying. It did not stop the thoughts however.

Each day that goes by, I feel a little better but I do need to talk to a professional.

Do I have any idea what triggered me this time? No, but maybe. Here's the sequence of events that led to the stress I'm at today where I cannot stop crying and sometimes cannot complete a full sentence.

-My friend and I (really just him) committed to a house flip. One I advised against due to its size and our track record of being able to finish on time. Well, his track record really. I usually finish pretty close to where I want to. I've been in this home for 7 months. It has directly attribute to mental aguish for me for the last 4.

-My dad had a cancer scare again. Nothing is more stressful than the possibility of losing a loved one. Nothing. At least not to me. Losing people I love is something that destroys me and a lot of people I would think. Though he ended up ok with no cancer. I had gotten on a flight, got down there, mentally prepared myself for whatever needed to happen again. Thoughts of how hard it was for everyone, especially my father, rushed in. Anxiety took me pretty quickly this time. I almost lost it in Texas. Him being cleared however washed away so much pain.

-The next month my mother was in the hospital for a heart attack. My mom is a very sick lady and has been for about 20 years now. I love her with my everything. To see her suffered or have the possibility of dying took everything out of me. I couldn't barely function I was so scared. She ended up being ok however and may have not even had a heart attack or an extremely minor one. She doesn't deserve pain.

-I had to evict my first tenant. This one hurt me bad, bad, bad. They were so nasty to me, so mean and all I did was try and be helpful. Understanding, compassionate. Yet, my face was spat in (figuratively) on a monthly basis when rent came due. I only charged lates fees one time out of 6 months that they were there. I felt bad for them. People have issues come up and even though it hurts me, I still want to help them. Needless to say, this situation did not end well for either of us. They had to leave, I had to clean up and spend more money. It was an ugly situation the whole time and I hated it. I absolutely hated it. It made me feel like I was scum even though I knew I was doing the right thing.

-I met a new friend and he is just as much of a damn wreck as I am. I took on a lot of his emotional well being over the summer because I thought I was in a good place, and I was for about 2 months. He needed me, so I counseled with him. He has become a great friend to me, but I know that taking on others emotional burdens can wreak havoc in your life. It definitely did in mine.

-My grandmother died. I did't get to know her like I wanted to, so it hurt more for me. If you've ever met me, you may know what I mean, I'm the kind of guy who generally loves everyone. I mean that too. I love people. I don't just like them. I love them. If you are my friend, I love you. That's how it is. My heart is open, I can't help it. I wanted her to have a piece of my heart and over the summer I kept talking about going to see her because she wasn't doing that great. I ended up going 2 or 3 times max. Could have went everyday if I didn't obligate myself with bullshit. So, can't make up for lost time right? She passed and it crushed me. Crushed me.

-Now the straw that broke the camels back. I went and saw the Joker. Seems so fucking typical to say that. So, ridiculous. Here's the thing. I related with him in a big, big fucking way. From his upbringing (my father would also make me wait on the bed, not naked with the lights off though. He would hit me with the buckles and the belt on my legs, back, ass), to his desperation for help from his social worker. I had literally just told my doctor a week prior that I was having negative thoughts, crying all the time and I just wanted to feel better. So, he put me on a new med which actually resulted in the events that unfolded because it instead amplified my negative emotions. Camels back broke in a thousand pieces.

Seeing the Joker brought a real face to mental disorders like mine. I'm bipolar and I can tell you, it's no joke. The things that go through your head, the things you do. All the things he was going through mentally, I felt like I could relate with on some level. That fucked me up. What fucked me up more was seeing psychiatrist groups opening talking about how that's not an accurate depiction of depression. Fuck you. You pretentious, self serving, pill pushing pieces of shit. Fuck you all in that field if that's what you think. You're more out of touch with the mind than I ever believed. You fools.

Does that mean people are going to do what he did? No. It means we need fucking help and no one cares about us. The people who suffer from manic depression are blatantly ignored and shuffled down the line with more pills. I've been on every damn drug known to man (I know that's not a truth obviously, it just feels a such). I still am depressed. I still feel like death. I still hate my life.

We have a mental health crisis in this country and in this world. I am not alone and I know I'm not. I'm sick of feeling like this. I want it to stop. I want the feeling to end. I want to want to be more than what I am right now. To feel better about myself, to love myself, to care about what happens to me. My family needs me and I need them.

Am I going to kill myself right now, today? No. I'm not. Do I still feel like I want it to end? Yes. I can't lie or deny it. Life has crushed me to where I am at my absolute lowest place. I feel as if I can't fight anymore. I need help, but I'm scared to get it. I don't want to be in some fucking hospital. I've done that before, it doesn't help. I need to find someone to talk to. I'm going through a list right now, or in a few moments I will. My brother also went through a similar issue not that long ago. He told me he based who he's talking to on who would actually pick up the phone. Sound rationale. I think I'll go with that.

I don't mean to dump here. I just don't have an outlet other than here. This place has always been here for me, at least for close to a decade. That's a long time. The members here are extremely good at helping each other and thank you to all of you who have reached out to me, offered me guidance and a way to even talk to you if I needed to. You are are awesome and it means a lot to me. Don't be surprised if that phone call comes some day here soon though. Really, I want to make a plan of action. What can I do to stop this shit? There has to be a way. A plan I can enact when I need to. I was looking at building one on national suicide prevention site. Has anyone ever done that? Does it help?

Anyone that just has ideas, those help too. My point in posting all of this is not to make you feel sorry for me in anyway, I'm just sharing the way my mind operates and hoping maybe someone may say "shit I know what he's talking about". Which, I do know is true. It also helps me to write it out. Right now, I feel calm and ok after pushing all this out. I don't want this to be anyone else's burden though. Just looking for ideas on what I can do to flip the script in my mind. What would you do?




TLDR: I've felt like offing myself most of my life, almost did recently and am looking for suggestions on where to get real help as well as getting a good resource for a plan of action for when I feel like that.

[Eivind August]

Dude.

I have no experience nor solution with stuff like this, but this does not seem like a burden you should shoulder by yourself just because you don't want to bother other people. You're a good person and this shit is not your fault.

[Faldoe]

I sent you a PM, Jwar.

[aedes]

Sorry you've been struggling with this for so long jwar. I don't have any real experience with the bipolar side of things, but there have been lots of struggles with anxiety and depression in our house.

There's a lot of research going on right now with ketamine as an effective treatment for bipolar disorder (and treatment-resistant depression). I don't think most insurance is covering that at the moment, but I have heard clinical trials are happening--trying to figure out dosing, etc. I would ask a doc if that's something you might be able to get at some point.

I've seen anecdotes about psychedelics being used as a treatment, but given your struggles with self-medication in the past...i don't know how that'd work out. Hang in there man--i really think meds are going catch up with this problem soon.

[$harkToootth]

I don't want to upset you but it may be time to look into a short stay at an institution. I know you want to be there for your family and it will be hard but long term I think you will find it helpful to remove yourself from your surroundings and seek longer term help with a long term plan.

My cousin did that this summer (after she was 5150'd... twice). She checked herself in on her own accord because of, much like yourself, intense suicidal thoughts, and a borderline suicide attempt (she says it wasn't but any one with an iota of common sense could tell you it was... she's somewhat embarrassed about it).

She's doing much better now because of her stay. She's also in outpatient therapy too. I'm not a Dr. I'm not even very experienced in this sort of thing. I just think from reading what you wrote, going to a therapist once a week is not going to help. I think you need to take a minute and collect yourself in an environment with professionals.

Thoughts are out there for you bro. You will make it through this.

FOOTNOTE: I am aware of the fact that such a stay may 'long term' affect background checks and gun acquisition. I'm not sure what the laws are in your State. Also, unaware of your insurance situation. Just saying, I know these are factors.