Depression rears it's ugly head again

[cosmicevan]

Try to find things that make you happy or at least clear your headspace when you feel like that. The world is in a rough place right now...you don't need to take it on alone, we are all going through it and need to find ways to recenter ourselves when it gets too much (and there are definite days where just getting to the end of the day is a challenge). Practice mindfulness - meaning when you catch yourself going down a dark alley, get out of the alley. Stop what you are doing, take a walk and put on your favorite positive music. Don't wallow and throw yourself a pity party because that will only make it worse.

Earlier in the thread someone talked about holding a glass of water and how it feels like no big deal, but you hold it all day and it gets really heavy (I think that happened in this thread?)...well keep that in mind. Find ways to put the glass down. Start taking up jogging? Getting outside (even for a walk around the block) can be amazing for your mood. Keep handy funny tv shows or things like that and pop one on for a break when you are heading down the wrong path. They say that when you quit smoking, when you get a craving, it only lasts 3 minutes max (as a former smoker, I will say that's true for me) - when you get the craving for the addiction (and that addiction could be feeling sad/depressed/down/whatever) find a way to distract yourself for those three minutes. It will pass.

Definitely think you are taking the right steps, but those things I just mentioned work for me. I know we are all different, but sometimes trying what works for someone else, can be eye opening. Sadness is contagious to oneself...so is euphoria and positivity. Practice having a positive attitude and turning a bum out into a not bum out...over time you'll figure out the tools that help and the ones that don't.

If nothing else, realize that the folks here have your back and that should say something to you.

[sears]

I've replied before, and I'll reply again. I think that just posting here and reading messages that aren't judging you is another form of therapy that we'd all be pretty smart to take advantage of. edit to say: that probably sounds condescending but I know someone who I suspect is really good at just keeping it together, and that's all she does, and she doesn't share her struggle and maybe doesn't know how.

[Jwar]

So, I've been taking a lot of the advice that has been given here and really, really trying to improve things for myself and my family. They don't deserve the worry or the pain. Neither do I.


I just turned 38 the other day (July 5th). I spent the entire day upset and just acting out I guess. I was a dick to everyone and I was angry.

Turning 38 is just another stepping stone in life but it fucks with me still to be closer to 40, then 50, then 60....or maybe not. Who knows? Anyway, getting older if fucking with me. Losing my hair, that's fucking with me hardcore. Getting hurt easier. I wrestled with my cousin on the 4th and I've been in agonizing pain since. I'm better today mostly. I used to not get hurt like that. I'm getting fucking old! I feel like I should be able to do these things still. WTF. Anyway, just kind of blah right now.


We scheduled a vacation, which I'm mixed on financially but I know we need it desperately. We also bought a new car. Well, used but new to me. My wife wanted to get it for me because I had been driving around a shit box for a long time, which I'm fine with, that's usually what kind of car I drive. When I was younger, all my cars cost under 1k. I didn't give a fuck. I'm just using it to go from point A to B. This thing has so much going on with it, it gives me a panic attack. It's a Honda Pilot Elite and we drove to Joliet, IL to get it. Anyway, the car didn't make me happy. Why would it? That's not why I'm sad.

I'm sad because I don't like myself or love myself like I ought to. It's been a problem since I was a kid, but it doesn't help when you're told horrible things about yourself for two decades either. Anyway, we've had that convo before.

I'm depressed, but I feel a bit better. Each day is a new day. A new choice on how to take life. Today I'm going to try and let shit roll by me and just be present.

[coldbrightsunlight]

[Heraclitus Akimbo]

Others' experiences may vary wildly, of course, but I hated every birthday in my 30's, but I had a great time turning 40 and every year since. At a certain point in your life, it gets easier to give fewer fucks about what other people think of you/impose on you and easier to just groove on being the version of you that you are. You're not just your body, and while there's shitty parts to the process of it falling apart I've found it's outweighed by increasing okayness with who I am.

[cosmicevan]

Others' experiences may vary wildly, of course, but I hated every birthday in my 30's, but I had a great time turning 40 and every year since. At a certain point in your life, it gets easier to give fewer fucks about what other people think of you/impose on you and easier to just groove on being the version of you that you are. You're not just your body, and while there's shitty parts to the process of it falling apart I've found it's outweighed by increasing okayness with who I am.

I'll agree that leading up to 40 was a lot worse than actually turning 40 and even 41...and now 42 coming in Sept (in fact I caught myself saying I'm 42 already a few times). I think that the anxiety that these things are supposed to be bad and that crossing that threshold makes you "old"

All that stuff that people say happens when you turn 40 with your body did happen to me a few years prior to 40 and that stuff made me bummed...maybe you are hitting that right now? I'll say that your posts have changed...you seem more accepting and observing as opposed to hopeless reaching for help. That's a real step in the right direction imo. Even though you aren't at your destination, you are able to talk about your plans/strategies and how you are getting there...before your posts indicated that you didn't know where you were heading, had no plan, couldn't dream of even formulating a plan. Whether you see it or not, I see change.

It's kinda like this whole covid thing...it was a hopeless disaster until people started accepting that this is happening. It doesn't change that it's still a disaster but it took the need to worry about it as our own disaster, but rather how do we navigate through this disaster so that it doesn't become our disaster. Kinda think locally instead of globally...let others think globally since us worrying about the global thing is just gonna stress us out, so instead of worrying about people in the town or 3 states over, let's worry about what the plans our in our house only for the weekend.

[sears]

I learned/remembered/realized similar stuff about myself when I was in my 40s. I can't tell you about how to find your own strengths, if you were scorned and belittled as a youngster, because I'm in the same boat. I take ashwagandha. I practice and write music. Reading what you wrote reminds me to thank my wife.

[Jwar]

Hey all. This has kind of become my personal diary in a way and I hope that regardless of how insane I am, people read this and it helps them somehow when I'm able to overcome.


Right now, I'm kind of at another impasse in a sense. I feel landlocked in a lot of ways and unable to move on.

I recently reached out to my doctor because well, I've been crying everyday still and feeling pretty down. Despite going to the gym now (so risking my health but still doing it with a mask), eating healthy, sleeping right (or the best I can)...etc. Something still pushed me down. A lot of it has to do with the current situation out there with my rental properties. I've had a unit down long enough to cost me a significant amount of money, like a third of my yearly intake. Why? Well, I hired someone who just never did it, then all this coronavirus stuff happened, now I'm running lower on money than ever. I have to sell a few places and one is almost done but it cost thousands of dollars to get them ready after someone moves usually. People just don't care and trash my places. Last place the lady told me she couldn't pay and I found out there was 10 people living there. 10 fucking people and only 1 on the lease. The moratoriums made it so I could do NOTHING until they dried up, which they did and I kicked her ass promptly out. Fuck her. She ruined all my fucking carpet in the entire house, scratched my floors, re-broke my garage door, broke an exterior door (which is not cheap) and all kinds of shit. I had to unload the whole fucking house full of garbage too and there were roaches crawling everywhere. I had been in there three months prior with none of this then coronavirus happened. Such horse shit. Anyway, I'm paying to clean it up, paint it, fix all the broken shit, get rid of roaches...etc. Then I'm selling it. I spent 26k initially on this house to make it nice and I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore in the area I'm in. People cannot afford it anyway typically I can't afford to lower rents, so off it goes.

Getting to these points though kills me in many ways. I'm not even mad at her anymore, I'm just depressed. I want to snap my fingers and make all the bullshit feelings go away or for me to be able to handle life again. I want a fresh start. I don't want the fear of losing it all if I fuck up. I'm sick of it.


I contacted my doctor about the way I'm feeling and I'm very disappointed too. My point was to reach out about ketamine treatments, which he has told me in the past they are a life safer and can literally lift people off the floor from feeling suicidal in one treatment.

Well, after the doctors testing me like a guinea pig on meds for a year, I feel like I'm ready. Problem is, he doesn't do the fucking treatments anymore all of a sudden. WTF! We've talked about it for 2 years. His nurse also left me a voicemail telling me I need to go to the hospital and get evaluated. I'm sorry but if you have ever worked with someone in that situation, you would know that's the last thing they want to hear. I feel like my doctors office is fucking stupid and could use some serious coaching in de-escalation. What if I had been in a spot where I legit was going to kill myself. Go the hospital. Thanks! Couldn't have figured that out. So I can be trapped and not helped?

I just want to not feel bad like I do. That's it. Ketamine seemed promising...

[D.o.S.]

I would suggest trying to find another doctor that works in similar situations. You definitely don't want to just casually try Ketamine if you're in a precarious place.

[Jwar]

Someone text me and told me that I'd be happier if I got a real job. It was a text to my Google Voice number. Kind of interesting. Myself being a "landlord", some folks don't look at that as a job because they don't realize you have to work still. Also, I have a job as a para...


It made me feel like someone is just being a douche bag and inputting their bullshit. Wish I could find out who sent it so I could tell them thanks. Really helpful.

[Jwar]

I would suggest trying to find another doctor that works in similar situations. You definitely don't want to just casually try Ketamine if you're in a precarious place.

Nothing casual here. We discussed it a lot and he did do it. It's so confusing. I'm not sure if I want ketamine or not anymore. I have to think on all this crap but not too long. Procrastination isn't helping me.

[cosmicevan]

I've been doing this a lot lately - https://www.healthline.com/health/4-7-8-breathing

...even walking my kids through it when they can't sleep. It's pretty miraculous how it can act as a reset button which can be powerful in a tough moment. As a parent, these times are impossible. Keep going...everyone needs and loves you. All the rest is temporary.

[Jwar]

I like it! The mindfulness stuff I need for sure. Why I stopped doing it, I actually don't know....that's a bit odd.

It seems like when this whole pandemic happened, just everything I'd done for mental health over the last decade got turned upside down. I didn't expect that but no one did or does.


I'm glad I'm not alone in my fears and anxieties and I'm glad that there is help still out there. I made an appointment again with my doc so I can get some treatment.

The last 5 months have just been harder than I'm used to. Emotionally more than anything. Like, right now I feel like I want to cry and I legit have zero reason. I don't get that. I'm fighting though. I am.

School is starting soon I think, I don't know really. I was excited now I'm blah. They can't decide what they want to do. They still haven't fully decided. The district is on Friday, even though they were supposed to two days ago. I have no idea what's going to happen yet there. I do know that if we go all digital that I will be in school still but assisting teachers I think? Not real sure there either...being a Para online, I guess we shall see? I don't know how that would work with kids who have autism on the spectrum I help, but guess I'll probably find out. The Johnson Country Board of Health recommended NOT opening. The district I work in is rejecting their advice and doing their own study based on more localized zip codes. It's such a mess right now. We are in the red. I've been to the gyms, stores....just about everywhere and I always wear a mask and I'm fine. So, I think we all would be ok but I don't know. I'm not a doctor or scientist. So, wishful thinking? It's frustrating to say the least but I'm excited about going back regardless of school being closed. We would also have to figure out child care but the district is aiding in that, which is awesome.

As I sit here typing this out, I actually feel better about. I just needed to process it.

[Paul_C]

I hope you're doing ok.

[Jwar]

I hope you're doing ok.

Thanks for you for that. I appreciate it more than you know.


The last month has been really, really hard. Like, uncontrollable crying for over an hour twice a day.


I decided to do something to help myself and started TMS therapy yesterday. So far, so good. I have not cried since I started which I get is not long, but two treatments in. I go 5 days a week and have a high powered magnet stuck to my head that pulses for 20 minutes. It supposed to move neurotransmitters that have been bound and release them. It's more involved then that but that's the most simplistic way to look at it. It can make memories that have been stuck in your head forever come back as well. I experienced it yesterday when I recalled a fishing trip I went on (randomly) 30 years ago. So, weird. Anyway, I have hope for the first time in over a year and I'm going to keep going with that momentum.