Depression rears it's ugly head again

[UglyCasanova]

I failed at killing myself at 16 too (didn't know enough about guns to realize the safety was on, pulled the trigger, nothing happened, basically passed out from anxiety of what I just tried to do). I've delt with and I'm still dealing with ptsd, panic disorder, OCD and depression. I've been in the mental health system for most of my life. Not institutionalized, but in therapy, group sessions, week long courses, cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness training, pharmaceutical drugs, natural remedies. The list goes on. It's been incredibly tempting to just call it quits because it's the steepest uphill battle sometimes. Life is already hard and mental health problems make it so much harder. Anyways, me and the others are here for you. PM me anytime. You're too awesome to go through this alone. I too have faith in ketamine treatment for depression (although I don't know the research on it paired with bipolar disorder), but that's something you'll have to figure out if it's for you on your own.

[moid]

Jwar I don't know you personally and I'm not an expert on mental health at all, but I have to deal with a lot of my students having mental health issues and some of them have similar sounding problems to yourself. The (very limited) training I've had for supporting these students has included trying to get them to always be around other people - where they live or work or study - interaction with other people is at worse a distraction from negative thinking and at best a positive experience - either is good. Also try to write a list of things you would enjoy doing that aren't negative to you/others in any form, and keep it on you at all times. Then when you are feeling dreadful, read the list and try to do one of those positive things instead. If it helps get your wife/friends to help you write the list. If it makes you feel any better, the fact that you are able to express your thoughts and feelings is a good sign - part of you knows you need help and wants to live, and that part is stronger than the other.

[dubkitty]

the only thing i can say is "don't give up." i've been dealing with this for decades, and was about an inch from shooting myself when i was in Pocatello and the money ran out. if a job offer hadn't come in during the last week i had savings left i was ready to go. thankfully, after 20+ years they finally invented a SSRI that works for me so i can actually stand myself/my life these days. but the only way i got through the 2010-17 years was grimly hanging on and sleeping every second that i could.

[$harkToootth]

the only thing i can say is "don't give up." i've been dealing with this for decades, and was about an inch from shooting myself when i was in Pocatello and the money ran out. if a job offer hadn't come in during the last week i had savings left i was ready to go. thankfully, after 20+ years they finally invented a SSRI that works for me so i can actually stand myself/my life these days. but the only way i got through the 2010-17 years was grimly hanging on and sleeping every second that i could.

This was big help for my cousin too. Getting the right cocktail of meds.

I'm not trying to drive in the institution point, but I did incidentally talk to my other cousin (I have a lot... large family) about jwar's post, and how I mentioned Cousin A. Cousin B said, she had to be committed for three days too. She got very scared she was going to hurt herself and did the right thing and called police. She said it sucked short term but it's since greatly improved her life. And she is still alive today.

One more bit of anecdotes but an EX-GF simply switched her meds once and it made all the difference.

I'm also a fan of the Wim Hof method but that kind of goes for everyone. Jwar, I think you will enjoy it too but... it's not going to solve your problems right now. I stand by what I said in my initial post (short term stay -> long term plan).

Anyway, best wishes and sending positive vibes.

[dubkitty]

i checked myself in for two weeks after my second wife left me. it wasn't delightful, but by that point i was utterly incapable of taking care of myself. if i was to the point of repeatedly putting a gun to my head i would absolutely consider it, if only as time out from everything that hurts.

[$harkToootth]

i checked myself in for two weeks after my second wife left me. it wasn't delightful, but by that point i was utterly incapable of taking care of myself.

I'm really sorry you went through that... and the stint in the 2000s, Sir.

[dubkitty]

every time a long-term relationship ends, it takes me 200% longer to recover. for my first wife it was about 2 years; for the second about 4; and for the most recent partner around 8. i'm afraid to have another cos when it dies it'll fuck the rest of my life.

[$harkToootth]

every time a long-term relationship ends, it takes me 200% longer to recover. for my first wife it was about 2 years; for the second about 4; and for the most recent partner around 8. i'm afraid to have another cos when it dies it'll fuck the rest of my life.

You can't think that way though, Sir! "When it dies..." I'm not chastising but you wouldn't go into a relationship with that mindset. I'm not saying you'll get married and live happily ever after or some shit but... at least you make a new friend, learn things, and even if it does end, you both come out better people. This isn't meant to be hoaky but... you gotta believe in yourself, and others!

[raj007]

Jwar...firstly, try not to view your suicide attempts as "failures", because in reality, those were successes. You succeeded at staying alive. That's strength, dude. Not weakness. Having that deep desire to cash in your chips, but not doing so...that's strength.

Last Spring I had my biggest breakdown of my life and for the first time in my life (even though I've dealt with on/off depression since teenage years) I wanted it to be over. I was driving, on my way to pick up my daughter, and all I could think of was either running it off the highway bridge or slamming into something as fast as the car could go. I was shaking. I pulled over. And had to take a few minutes to realize what had just happened inside my head. I broke down. Two days later, Scott from Frightened Rabbit killed himself. And that shook me the fuck up. There hasn't been a songwriter I've connected more with in my life and I realized I didn't want to end up like that and I went into therapy for the first time in my life the very next week. And while there have been some downs since, I have been a lot better on the whole.

I have kids, too.

And believe me...job, money, all that shit that society wants to place all of this importance on...doesn't really fucking matter dude. Your kids matter. Your wife matters. YOU MATTER. All this other shit...don't let it define you. When I started seeing myself as a "family man" and not some guy with some huge, important career (which I felt pressure to accomplish for years) ...it was a load off my chest.

Strip things down to its most simple. Realize there are people that love you for who you are. It can be hard to see at times. But it's the truth. And keep fighting for them and for yourself. Stay in the ring, man.

I was embarrassed about all of this for a long time, which is why I never went to therapy. But it got to a point where I didn't even care anymore...I knew I needed to talk to someone and get help.

You can do it, man.

[Jwar]

I appreciate all the perspective, all the pm's and all your efforts to guide me. I do really appreciate it and want to say thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Today I am feeling okish. My mind is being force in other areas that have led me not to be able to dwell as much, which is honestly a positive thing for me.

I think one of my biggest hang ups is being self employed for as long as I have been. I don't get enough human interaction in general. It feels like my life is like this- wake up, pack school lunches, feed dogs, shuffle kids to school, come home and eat breakfast/coffee, then sit with nothing going on. There's always a chance a renter may call with an issue that needs to be addressed but other than that and this BS house project, I've got nothing. I have freedom to do ANYTHING I want with my time (within reason obviously), yet I can't get myself to do any of it. That's the biggest issue.

I have done a few stints in the 3 day clinic setting. They did not help me at all. In fact, they usually made me feel worse. I have considered inpatient but I don't know how to do it logistically. I maintain and operate 7 buildings right now and I'm not sure who would be able to handle that while I'm gone. Collecting rents, fixing issues, enforcing rules...etc. I can hire someone to do it, but I'm not sure if I can afford it. I'm actually looking into that right now. The other issue is my role with my girls. I take them and pick them up from school. I may be able to find a solution for this, I may not. It sucks. I also have to pay bank notes, bills and other things for my business. I'm not sure who to delegate that to?

If I could do something outpatient, that'd be perfect.

I don't believe I'm in danger right now. The feeling of dying is still there but it's not like it was. It's not overwhelmingly present and pushing at my brain all day like it was. I attribute this directly to being taken of the mood stabilizer my doc had me on. One of the main side effects for it is suicide. Awesome. That's just what someone needs when they have already been feeling like that.

The cocktail of pills does not work for me. I am not joking when I say how many meds I've tried. I've been on so many that at one point my doctor didn't even know what to try. That was before I started Lexapro. Lexapro was not used for bipolar disorder but she believed it would help and it did for 12 years or so. It numbed me. Maybe that's why I am going through this again. Maybe it's because I started to feel again and I hate it.

I'll give you a window into my brain again if you're interested. BTW, talking even on here helps me, so thank you all for allowing me to word vomit.

I wrote these lyrics when I was pretty upset and it's for a song that brother wanted to write about running away.

Every night I lie awake
Praying to God for a soul he just won't take
When I cry, I cry for you -----------------------------------\
When I die it's with you too--------------------------------/ (This is self reflection as well as saying that I cannot control my emotions when it comes to love)
In this world full of pain
What we've lost
We can never regain


So, pretty pessimistic when I read it and I often times think "why"? Why am I writing songs like this. I have another one that is about the world and how it's something we have all destroyed and how we will all be gone soon. Then I have ones written about various other emotional topics I was feeling through out the last year. In total, I have like 6 songs fully fleshed out that really kind of fuck with me but they were my way of releasing.



Here's my plan of action right now-

Find someone to talk to professionally. I'm actively looking.
Be around people I care and trust as much as possible. Idle hands are the work of the devil. I mean that in a literal way as well as a metaphorical way. When people have nothing but time and very little to do that makes them happy, it causes you to do things that don't make you happy. Like sitting on social media all day or smoking all day or drinking (which I don't do despite all this shit...I'm actually surprised I didn't relapse this summer on alcohol), worry about the impending doom of things being broken or bills coming or whatever. I need something to drive my focus hard into and I think I found something. Funny enough it's pedal demo related but in a unique way I have not seen yet, but I'm going to research more.

Ok great, that gives me something to work on. Something to focus on that I enjoy. However, I need to unload things as well. This fucking house project needs to fuck off and die. It's killing me. During the summer I lost 30 lbs in a month without trying and no one knew why. It just happened. Well, after thinking about it quite a bit I figured out how it happened. I would come in, work and ignore my needs all day. Come home, eat, smoke before bed, then do the same the next day. I hate smoking too, but I have fucking PTSD, I'm bipolar and I'm insane and nothing else works. Fucking bullshit. Anyway, after four weeks of not drinking enough water, not eating enough and moving constantly, I guess it's easy to see how that could happen. I was so hyper focused on doing this stupid project that I let my health slide, that's not good. I feel stuck in this project too because I devoted myself to it and my buddy needs me, but I'm going crazy....soooo....yea...

Anyway, I'm not going to go all nutso today. I just wanted to respond and say I love you all and I do mean that. You are a family to me and I cherish you. Thank you.

[Jwar]

Thanks man. I just read your post after I saw we posted at the same time. Much love and appreciation dude.

[cosmicevan]

I know I don't have the history here with you as many others, but I can relate to a lot (more than I'm willing to write about)...and the 2 things that struck me in your post that keep me going when I'm in a dark, or dangerous space are:
- the way you feel about losing loved ones
- being a parent
I know so many people who have lost parents to suicide as well as peers in my community who have left their families that way and I just think about my family and how I don't want them to all be defined by having me done something like that (and your kidding yourself if you think time will ever fade that scar on everyone in your life). If you want to talk about being a burden...to me there is no bigger burden I can be on others than off'ing myself and leaving them to deal with that, despite whatever note is written. I too have been dragging my feet in finding professional guidance, but lately have been putting plans in place. There are ALWAYS going to be ups and downs, but if you do the next right thing...it comes back in spades. Be kind, work hard and amazing things WILL happen.

[oldangelmidnight]

It sounds like your plan of action is good. Talking to people is always the best choice.
I keep hearing about these new online therapists. I don't know which are good but maybe look into something like that if you're not finding someone in your area you can meet with in person?

[$harkToootth]

It's been a week since you big post Jwar. How do feel today? How did the week go for you. I'm just checking in (albeit publicly).

It sounds like your plan of action is good. Talking to people is always the best choice.
I keep hearing about these new online therapists. I don't know which are good but maybe look into something like that if you're not finding someone in your area you can meet with in person?

One of the big ones turned out to be a scam. It's a good idea... and I'd say better than nothing, even if it "wasn't a great idea". I forgot which one but the one that used to sponsor TigerBelly and some other podcasts... if you (not you oldangel, I mean "one") pay attention the comments section of a lot of podcasts blew up shortly after they were sponsors, and you can see within a few weeks the company was dropped.... from all of them

A friend of mine is currently reading HYGGE. I'm intrigued. I know the author is from Denmark (CEO of The Happiness Research Institute, Copenhagen

NSFW: show

I'd be lying if I wasn't initially/still am skeptical of that credential.

) but it is also a Norwegian word (thanks google) so perhaps our Scandinavian Brethren would care to comment. I'm not meaning to imply this will fix problems but perhaps could help make slight adjustments to perspective. Honestly, Eivind is one of the happiest people I've ever encountered (albeit not IRL).

Point being, checking in. We all hope you're safe. I personally hope you started your long term plan . You're going to make it bro!!!

[Jwar]

Hey all! Sorry for dropping heavy stuff like that and just kind of dropping off again. Isobel, I haven’t explored an online option. That’s a great suggestion! Thank you!

I do have a doctor appointment Monday about all this mess my mind has been in.

This week actually has been good. See this is what happens to me and I’m scared to say too much because I feel like I’ll jinx myself. I believe I had a bipolar shift again. Right now I’m more elated that I have been in a long time although today I momentarily got upset over feeling of no use once again and cried but it was brief and passed faster.

Other than that, I’ve been all week without crying my eyes out, which has been a great relief. I started hustle at this house project again and felt good about it.

Now I’m trying to do damage control. How do I keep myself from going there again?

Well, I started evaluating my habits and started making adjustments.

I had been so depressed (especially these last several months) that I was not taking care of myself at all. So, I started to again and I’m feeling better for now. In this moment today, I feel good.

However, being bipolar means that this shit can rapidly change for me. Sometimes in the blink of an eye my mood swings. So, I’m treading lightly and taken it one hour at a time right now. Keeping myself busy and trying to make real changes for myself.

I don’t want to be like this anymore, but I know there is no cure for mental disorders. I know it will always be a battle and I need to acknowledge that, accept it and stick to what helps me. Not fall off the path and neglect myself like I had been. Not letting it get this bad before I ask for help.

My plan going forward is to communicate with my wife, friends and family when these feelings arise and then to go to a therapist as well. I’m going to ask my doctor for a recommendation on Monday.

You all have been such a blessing in my life and I’m grateful for all of you.